Streets

That wasn't a dream, that was a bullet. These guns have ended my niggas. Poured so much of my soul out for you niggas that it was bottled, built a grave & put a lottery in it. They picking 6's & scratching off 3 of you niggas.
Don't fix your life you'll be 4th my nigga.
Pick up your pants & get your life right for the sake of your mother.
She's crying tonight. And your daddy's rolling over in his grave cause he was the example for a lot of you niggas.
He was in the lottery, got scratched off & buried WITH OUT his niggas.
So what can your do for you? Cause I know they ain't going to die with you.
Rest in pieces & fly with you. I hope this ain't what being fly means to you.
Your hollister shirt ain't going to protect you from a AK-and a Bullet.
I hope this ain't fly to you cause when you flying you'll be dying & your mother will be crying.
And won't nobody stop to ask "Hey, where's JoJo?" cause when they poured a little out for you, the thought of you kinda went from black to blue & nobody likes feeling blue.
Shot you dead & didn't even leave your Tim Boots you didn't die like your daddy nigga you trembled, but i'm the only one that saw that shit.
This is the lottery nigga they picking 6's & scratching off 3 of you niggas.
Don't fix your life you'll be 4th my nigga.
These streets ain't ya play ground. They are the Devil nigga. Monkeys are only servants in the circus.
And these are his streets. Not your streets, not the black mans streets, these are the white man's streets.
Black on Black in Black piss stained walls, y'all in jails my niggas.
I know y'all ain't got money on y'all books cause your "friends" don't care my niggas.
Our dream of America is milk & honey. But your reality is blood & tears.
That was a bullet shooting your dreams down. You wanted to be a Doctor. What happened to Private Practice & making your mama happy?
You probably got 16 babies & 17 on the way.
Just because you got the parts don't mean you were born a Man.
Murder isn't always an decision.
Your life's the price your "Friends" will pay for no snitching.
If they live another day that means your dead.
And I prey, that when I have a son he has a friend that tells him to stop looking for the light at the end of the tunnel & start looking for God in the Darkness.
He will go to church every sunday & learn how to pray.
I'm not saying this will stop him from looking like a nigga like you, but it will let him know God is his only father & these streets are not his play ground.
And his pants will fit his waist & not his butt.
That wasn't a dream, that was a bullet.
Snap back to reality, oops there goes gravity.
You couldn't be any closer to your daddy in the ground.
These are the streets my nigga.

Lost This War

I saw my reflection in the mirror the other morning. I didn't like what I saw because I woke up crying over you.
That was the first time I had wished to go blind.
I didn't want to see the battle field you made of me because I wasn't protected properly.
Momma's words were no suit of armor for this war. They were more like secrete passage ways to hell! I was buried that day.
See momma be telling me let my heart breath a little, to say how I really feel.
But I guess momma be wrong this time & she got me crying. You didn't give a damn if I lived or died that day.
When I saw my reflection in that mirror i died that day & you didn't even come to my funereal.
6feet under I wasn't buried in kisses, best wishes & gold fishes.
I was buried in shot down dreams. Hands muffling my hearts screams. My beauty didn't live to dream.
Make up stood up & ran from my face. This type of oppression can lead to depression, why'd you ruin my faith in us?
Guess thats what I get for putting faith in a woman & not God.
I'm not sorry.
I'm not sorry cause I didn't die like a G, I trembled, but only God saw that shit.
You & me will never be meant to there is nothing left of us to piece back together.
There will never be an I with a You because it wouldn't make sense without a Verb in the middle.
I love you. No! More like I loved you. I Loved you until I couldn't see you.
I wished to go blind that morning.
Mommas words left me crying that morning.
I fought a war that night.
And I lost my sight that night!

Can I have my soul back!

It's hard to tell the difference between the mother of the murderer & the mother of the mother of the murdered.
I developed a stutter in my heart beat that night. Held at gun point, he took my soul that night!
Didn't ask to borrow it, he murdered my soul that night.
Sticking his finger against my lip he told me "Don't you tell a soul" that night.
So I didn't. I didn't tell a soul, not even my own soul. My soul was just as shocked as I was when she heard the safety click above the trigger click, I had to think quick, but I just laid there.
That night my biggest fear came true. The man murdered my soul.
Leaving his #5 hand print across my spine, I wasn't my own anymore, I was his.
Chained up & sailed away. You might as well say I was sold like a Slave that day.
SLAVE.
Slave ships & white men how you think I get this bright skin, I was born to glow.
But now I have no soul so now I blow.
Roll the blunt pass the lighter please. Now I just blow. Following my daddy's foot steps, I'll be a junky please.
I no want to learn a damn thing. Why not lay out on the corners, fuck bitches & learn a damn thing.
Sale please? Is my soul for sale please? Maybe I can trade you for a nickel bag & a swisher & a cup of my yuck!
Can I have my soul please?
I promise not to tell nobody that you popped my cherry please, can I have my soul please?
I bow.
" God,
I know I'm not suppose to question your work, but is this your work or the devils work? Right about I can't tell the difference! No weapon held against me shall prosper, right? So, would my soul be considered a weapon of my own fait? I mean it can hurt me as long as he has it right?"
God, make him give me back my soul today.
You might not have my soul for long, but you'll always have my childhood.
I hope your kids have more fun in it than I did.
And I hope you never stick your crayola fingers in your daughter like you did me.
I died that day! You murdered my soul that day!

No More Today's

Tonight is one of those night's where I lay my head in my hands in frustration.
I didn't improve the world today. I didn't know how. Instead of figuring out how, I just laid in bed all day.
Wrapped myself in broken hearts & washed my face with my tears. I hurt today.
I know I'm not suppose to question God's work but why do I feel satisfied seeing my ex-Girl hurt when I'm still laying in bed dying over the girl I left her for?
I'm hurt today
I got to much pride in my chest to kiss ass today, maybe I'm not happy because she didn't call my name today.
I'm hurt today. I was hurt yesterday so I'll probably be hurt tomorrow too.
Lord, I faked a smile while talking to you.
Can I still hand my soul to you even after I seem to have sold it to the devil in exchange for sex & a kiss on the neck, but no "Good Morning" text. Can I run to you?
When I bow at your feet will you look the other way?
Did you cry diamonds for me today?
God, did you hurt with me today?
I usually don't apologize for the life I live, but God is this the price I must pay for being gay? I'm sorry father.
I ask that you show me your way. Your way may not make me happy today & it probably won't erase the hurt I felt yesterday but I want to walk in your ways.
I don't know myself yet, but you know me all the way.
So father do you think you can bend over from the sky's & whisper in my ear a little secret about myself I've been dying to hear.
I promise I won't tell nobody. You have my word.
Can You strip my heart of this fear of growing up, I'm stuck in my child like ways, I need to find some other ways, how about your ways?
God's ways? I'm not trying to be you, I just simply want to be blessed by you.
Make me invisible so people can see the you that's inside of me, Lord I NEED you.
I can't have another day like today. I hurt today. Laid my head in my hands in frustration & Failed today. I can't have another today.

What hunger looks like

Hunger not only looks like the skinny population of minor countries. Hunger looks like me & you right now.
No one considers me. Everyone thinks because I live in a big city I got food at home. Uuuh no. I open my fridge & get angry. I got to wait till the first of the month like everybody else.
Man i ain't got no chicken. Ain't even no kool aide. Hungry looks like me. Naw you know what, hungry looks like a school full of kids asking the lunch ladies "What the hell is this?"
Hunger look like me & you. Hunger is the look on my face when i face a note book & a pen. I be thirsty to write.
I want to let my words slide from my brain, transform into saliva & dance on the cracks of my lips.
I want you to eat my words. Go ahead fill up, i wrote em just for you. Those kids will never go hungry cause I don't ever shut up.

The remake of Old Feelings

I'll write with out an apology & live without forgetting to love. But if love forgets to love me i'll understand.
I won't look at my journey as a battle I'll just see it as a way to certify who I am on this earth. And I wont drop my head into my hands when I think I've failed Gods test. Instead I'll poke my chest out, stick my head up & tell God i'll do better next time & actually mean it this time.
On this earth I shall tell the truth. And if the truth hurts you I'm not sorry. I can never be sorry for how I'm feeling & I will never change anything, because if my life were to be a book it wouldn't be a biography; it would be a novel.
Don't settle. I won't settle for little when I can have the world. But I don't want this world I want your world. And if I can't have your own entire world could I just as simple co-sign on it? But I'd like to own it.
I want it signed, sealed and delivered right to my door step. I...I want love to mumble my name when it sleeps at night & i want you to dream my face. i want to see the letters run out of loves mouth like the slob on your pillow.
I'll love you with out apology & pray that you have the strength to not allow love to forget my first & last name.

Bearing my soul

I never knew I was Qualified to be loved by God However, I did know that one day I would meet him. I didn't know when or how. And I wasn't even sure if I'd be prepared.
But I knew that I had better get prepared 'cause God waits on no man or Woman. I'm scared. I'm scared because I'm not prepared. And I worry myself sick wondering if God lays his head in his hands at the end of each night in disappointment. Father I'm sorry. I never meant to disobey any of your commandments. I'm sorry if I don't honor my Mother & father but mostly my father the way I should. And I apologize for stealing the hearts of several girls and only having room for one, my own.
And I'm not even sure if I want this heart anymore because this heart sees cups as only half empty & not half full. This heart has come close to not beating 706 times just this week. I'm sorry.
If I walk up to the purely gate & I'm not tall enough to reach the handle, God I understand.
The day I was born I promised to never deny you in front of my friends & lucky for me my friends made that same promise, so father do you think I have a greater chance?
I need you. I come before you today on my knees barring my soul. And I never wanted to doubt the fact that you love me because I've always loved you & I still do I just think I lost sight of you. I was afraid. I love you.

More Than That

I'll write a book, i'll write a song. I'll even write a letter to the moon. I'll write how much I love you in the palms of my hands, grip your face & leave the ink prints as a reminder that whenever you smile, I smile & our smiles don't leave room for punctuation in the love letters we pass each other as if were loving in moires code.
I got you. I got you on my mind more than the 7,696 times my cousin thinks about ice cream in a day.
I got you wrapped in between 26 lines on this paper, blue inks & my finger tips.
And you might as well be apart of my face because my lips speak of you more than it counts the number of teeth in my mouth.
And my mouth waters every time you embrace me in your arms, I guess its my mouths way of crying Drools of Joy.
You. I'll hold you in my hands as if i'm holding my grandmothers bible on sunday mornings.
You, although you can never compare to the words of my God I still hold you up there like your the newest religion that may not all the way me True Religion but I still believe in you...and...me.
What if? What if you were that one Religion that everybody bowed down to & you told the truest truths anybody could tell, would still find time for me? Would you loose sight of me in the crowds of all of your followers, I refuse to be labeled "Apart of your flock" because I remember I held you close like my grandmothers bible & you held me closer. Gripping me by the shirt you refused to let go, so I refused to drop you.
I love you. I love you more than the 7,696 times my cousin loves ice cream in a day. I love you like I love myself but more.
And if this doesn't tell you any truth right now, I guess I'll just have to write you a book, or maybe put it in a love song, and I have no problem with shouting from the moon today, I LOVE YOU.!!!

History behind Jazzmine

I'm not a flower even though I sound like one. I'm more like music. I didn't come from a field with red roses & Jasmine's, more like slave ships & rail roads, white men & forced grandmothers.
I wasn't wanted. My father hated Jazz music & he didn't want kids. I think thats why he named me Jazzmine with 2 Z's instead of an S. He named me Jazzmine then he felt.
But its ok. The J in my name looks like the curves of my mothers smile. The A looks like half lived suns. My Z's look like the stripes on a zebras back & my M looks like the Earth cemented in Gods back. I is for the number of times I Had seen my father on my birthday ONE.
N is the start of the sentence my father said before I last hung up the phone "Never did I ever mean to hurt you he said"
Yeah right, so why'd you Nick name me Jazz, you HATE Jazz. Do you hate me too?
E, this life will never be anything EASY for the unwanted.
My mothers heart you owned that, my love I never showed you. I didn't even know you so i don't like you. And I guess you felt the same way. So you named me Jazzmine with 2 Z's and NOT an S.

Its MY body

My body is my temple so I'll put it under lock & key. I'll wrap my chest in Cotten clothes keeping it far from anybody's view because, my body isn't just anybody's body to have & to hold.
Falling to their knees the fellas will worship the air my pours breath in.
My body is what I value more. I value it more than any dollar amount I could spend on clothes to cover this body.
My body is of greater value than the whips speaking to Jesus back. My body is
so rich, God thought to create a heaven & earth to house this body. So, my body is my body.
Not your body, not his body and not her body. But, its my body and with all the power in me I'll keep it that way.

She Don't Care

I could never identify with the skinny girls. Small clothes and long hair so, I bought me some hair. you couldn't tell me nothing. I felt like a Queen that Saturday night. Girls making several attempts to get with me. Whispering in my ear, telling me what they though I wanted to hear. But non of them succeeded, except this one girl.
     She felt along my back making my skin curl up into a thousand goose bumps, its like she studied my body from across the room as if I were her map and she was trying to find the quickest way to get to my insides. So I jumped, almost melting into pools of what my imagination was, I looked at her. In her eyes I saw a sparkle that told me she didn't care that my pants size isn't a single number, or my bra size isn't an A, B,or C. That sparkle in her eye told me that she would love me mind, soul and spirit. It said that her arms are gates that would guard me from all evil.
     But her mouth said, I was all she had been asking God for. So I told her I will grant every wish possibly known to man. And if she wished to meet God with me, even if we're not worthy, I'll still put in an extra special prayer for the both of us at night.
     I'll seal it with  a "Amen." And make sure it's mailed straight to God's ear. I love her because she don't care that I'm not a skinny girl. And she don't care that I don't have long hair. She just cared that I am her sunshine and she is my heartbeat.

I love YOU, that's WHY!

Follow me right now, I'm running on ambition. I'm living in a dream and breathing in blessings. Everyday I'm learning lessons, steady stressing, grey hairs growing in my eyebrows & ain't even 20 yet.
Truths dancing in my mouth, swallowing down a lie, trying to spare your feelings but not knowing why.
I don't know why I consider your feelings when I can't even get a simple "I love you" out of you. I sit & ask myself why.?
Never actually being brave enough to come up with an answer for myself, I'll simply stick with the script. So, I love YOU that's WHY!

On my way to school

Gym class? 2shirts.
Cold outside? Gym shorts. Running track? Gym shoes.
Sweat dripping? Paper towel.
Hot as hell? Drink some water.
Loving school? Hell naw.
Cold as hell & I'm on the train.
CTA? This train a bitch, I missed it twice. So, it could wait.
Thursday & friday? NO SCHOOL, so I'm staying home, Thug Life.

Streets of Chicago

My neighborhood is like a jungle. The smell of blow while i'm walking off the train. I know a gang is near by.
Tasting the danger in my mouth. Taste so bitter it tightens my jaws like lemons. I can't stand it.
17steps down, twist the door open, the cool breeze slapping my face back into the reality of, in this world not everyone loves me.
This love mentally kicks me back into a ally and threatens to steal my dreams and snatch the truth out of my mouth.
No feelings. Because I'm only 14 i'm not allowed to physically stand on my tippy toes, reach for the clouds & pull down a dream or two. I can only mentally draw in my progress.
My hood said they saw nothing in me but God put the light in me, so for him I will shine brightly, unapologetically listening to his voice.
Dancing on bear cans & shingles, broken bones and needles.
I live in the hood, where some kids find their lives in empty fields and milk cartons.
And orphans find sanity in between notebook lines & wet ink.
I live in Chicago.

Worked hands

Can you read my hips like you read my lips. And can your hands tell tails of love & desperation. Do your hands talk as fast as my lips do when they're loving you, will your hands tell the curves of my hips lies like the cracks of your lips?
Can I trust them? Can your hands cross paths with mines & challenge me to a thumb wrestling match and will you let my hands win?
Can I take my hands & collect your tears? I'd like to put them in my bath water as reminders why God strengthens me each & everyday to love you.
Will your hands fight for me? Catch me by the arm & rub all my insecurities away when I threaten to leave you?
Will you be there for me? Be there for me like you promised me & will your hands be tired & over worked from loving me? I'm loving you.

My First "I love you" letter

I never wrote a "I love you" letter before so, I don't know how this should go; but I guess I'll just tell you straight up how I feel.
I never knew I could look at some one well, you; I never knew I could look at you and every second I feel my heart skip over my lungs 10 times and have it knock the wind out of my pipes.
I never knew that holding a sweater of yours drenched in the sweet smell of you could cause the smell or what I imagined to be the smell could linger on not just my clothes but my body and fill the air in my house.
And before i met you I didn't know I could be looked at as something much to beautiful to only be wrapped in finger tips & bed sheets. I didn't know I could be loved by anybody other than God.
You're not like everybody else. You don't wanna wrap me in your arms, rock me to sleep then act like you don't know me.
I love you because you wake up every morning and I feel the pulls of your smile from ear to ear. I feel the strings tugging on our hearts still reminding us that our feelings are paternal twins and that we'll always meet half way.
I know you're listening even when you're mad at me. And I know you care even when I pretend like I don't.
I love you.
I love you to the sun, then to the moon, threw the Milky Way then back to earth. I love you past the length of any lifetime and deeper than any sea.
I love you more than my life, my dogs life and I love you to life. And I will always love you for life.
I never wrote an "I love you" letter before so just like you were my first kiss, you're my first love letter.
And I sign it with my heart beat. So baby, I LOVE YOU.

Our First Date

   In my mind I've mentally date you 906 times. We're exclusive.
  The first few time we didn't really work out because every time I would walk you to your door step and lean in for a good nights kiss, my alarm clock would wake me up.
    Time you Jealous right? I guess time got jealious and decided to routinely inturrupt our romance. But that's ok. I got something for you this time.
        This time instead of showing up at your door step with a 2 for 1 special coupon from "Pop eyes." I'll show up with freshly polished fingers and curls in my hair still warm, both waiting for you to lock your fingers in them.
     I'll take you to a movie. We can make it our selves. No producers, props, stage lights or sound check.
Just you and I. I think we could win a Oscer for best love story that has ever gone unwritten.
                                                What do you think?
 Tonight will make our 907th date. Only this time its a real one. I've had plenty practice at this so I'll try not to look stupid.
  I look in the mirror, check my fly, fix my jacket and check my breath. Now, I'm finally good to go.
   I'm kind of new to this dating game so tell your father he dosen't have to wait up at the door with his shot gun with my name written on any of his 6 bullits, I'll have you home before 10. 10, mainly because that's my time to be home and I don't want to be late, but 10 because thats the number of times I've actually heard you say my name.
       If we were going off how many times I've said your name out loud I'd be in my one.
 I only spoke your name once in between the cracked four walls in my bedroom and even then butterflies took their last flutters in the pits of my stomach.
I can't help that there's no need to speak your name. When ever someone ask or speak of you to me,
before I can even start my sentence the letters of your name stand in line across my lips like toy soilders fighting an artificial war against my Teddy Bear, Barbie doll and my Super Man action figure.
     Your face fits perfectly into the cracks of my eyelids but bever perfectly into my eye balls because your beauty is so dangerious, it radiates beams of light no other woman should be allowed to see because its off limits. All for me.
    I'll take you on a date. I'll play coaster to a half full heart, catching the excess love thats sweating off of the glass of your body as the degree of passion riases above a .5 9.
Then I'll go home and start on mental date 908. Maybe 909 can be real next time.

Do we have a deal?

If I shake your hand & make this deal with you, you got to promise me your not like satin with your fingers crossed behind your back.
Tell me the truth & put your signature on a promissory note. Promise that you'll never leave me. Promise me you wont lead me to a field of empty opportunities & plenty of lies.
Promise me you wont be like Satin this time. I forgave you thursday in hopes to shower you in trust monday, make me not regret ever being stupid again.
I want you to wrap me in your arms & whisper in my ear you wont forsake me a time or two, let me love you.
I want you too write it in the galaxy, make the big dipper jealous of me. Draw my face across your heart with star dust then tell the world I'm the bass in your heart beat.
Can you become God for a minute? Run across the river in a rush to catch my heart before it sounds like shattering glass tripping over the pavement. Can your be my hero?
I'm not talking about be super woman or cat woman I want you more like freddy cougar or jason. I want you to kill every mother fucker that stands in the way of you & my heart.
So promise that if I shake your hand you wont have your fingers crossed behind your back this time. Can I give you my heart? And will it be safe?

My Thank You To Syleena Johnson

Had a nice day With Syleena & LakeShore. I truly enjoy the real love & appreciation you all show when ever I come to an event. You all will go so far in your careers. Syleena Thank you for making a way for young black women like me to not only dream but to catch our dreams as well. Your a blessing to many lives

Don't Forget Me

I'll write with out an apology & live without forgetting to love. But if love forgets to love me i'll understand.
I won't look at my journey as a battle I'll just see it as a way to certify who I am on this earth. And I wont drop my head into my hands when I think I've failed Gods test. Instead I'll poke my chest out, stick my head up & tell God i'll do better next time & actually mean it this time.
On this earth I shall tell the truth. And if the truth hurts you I'm not sorry. I can never be sorry for how I'm feeling & I will never change anything, because if my life were to be a book it wouldn't be a biography; it would be a novel.
Don't settle. I won't settle for little when I can have the world. But I don't want this world I want your world. And if I can't have your own entire world could I just as simple co-sign on it? But I'd like to own it.
I want it signed, sealed and delivered right to my door step. I...I want love to remember my name & i want you to dream my face & speak my name, i want to see the letters run out of your mouth like the slob on your pillow.
I'll love you with out apology & pray that you have the strength to not allow love to forget my first & last name.

Roll Over For you.

1 a.m you're tapping me on the shoulder
"Roll over baby" you say.
Me pretending like i didn't want to but secretly wanted to, I rolled over anyway.
Pulling back the covers for you to love me. Well, make love to me. I was excited.
Excited that you wanted me & even more excited it was raining outside & the window was cracked, just like i like it. You started kissing me.
Starting from my head to my toes, you twenty four played with me & slowly I spoke your name a time or two.
I thought of every place you could be but all that mattered is that you're here with me. You got me.
You got me quivering. Your Hands wrapped around my thighs, you're mine.
I'll hold you in my captivity, making love until the sun comes up. Any night I'll roll over for you. I love you.
Clawing my trust into your back cause you getting it like that, You getting me weaker & weaker by the minute baby. you got me barley able to breath in any more I love you's so I guess I'll just release the other stuff.
We'll just cum together.
Its 3A.m & your wrapped around me sleep. Me dancing inside myself I knew I had made you happy. And it made my happy knowing that you love me. I love you. I'll always gladly roll over for you.

Don't tell nobody

We got that sitting in church silence.
That sssshh, the Lord will hear you silence. We got that don't tell nobody that I love you silence.
Well, I'm getting tired of sleeping in that silence so, I'm about to strip my bed sheets & let the world see what we did in that silence.
I hate you.
Nobody knows that you draw pictures of hearts & put them in my locker. And nobody knows that you hold me tight at night & call me baby.
It doesn't matter what You say here today nothing will ever make me stop loving you even though you couldn't spell out "I love You" in a simple text message.
You do it any other day so why not today? I'm threw with you. Yes, I know I said I love you but I will never be reduced down to being your hoe.
And my Vagina is not your door. So you can't just walk in me when you feel like it. I will never be that girl.
The girl that has you wrapped up her fingertips & bed sheets. I will never be that girl that falls for you then cries when you pull up your pants & walk the other way.
I can never be that girl.
You try to convince yourself that you love her & you want nothing to do with me but come on baby she's just like me.
You wish you were with me so you only hold her half as tight as you should making her feel only have as loved as I did. Shame on you. I love you.
But I'd rather spend every night crying alone than to ever be your hoe.
I'm not that girl.

(Inspired my Another Poet)

I want you so bad.

My body quivers at the thought of u. I want you. You got me over here in my bed tossing and turning. I want you.
I want you to hold me in your arms, wrap your legs around my waist & kiss me. I want you.
I want you in every way possible. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I want you for eternity.
Baby I just want you.
I get excited when you text me. And I may not respond all the time but, its because I'm too busy missing you. I want you
I wonder if I give you chills too. Does a part of your body jump when you see me like that part of my body does when I see u?
Do you lust for me, like I lust for you?
So you wake up at night turning your pillow over the cool side just to try & make it threw the night when you want for me like I want for you?
Do you want me? No, I mean do you want me like I want you. Do you lust for me? Does your mouth water at the thought of me? Knees weaken at the sight of me? Do you lust for me Like I like lust for you? Do you Love me?
Do you love me like I love you? And if you do their should be no stuttering in that speech. That silent speech is clear to me. You don't have to explain your self I heard you loud & clear.
Your silence speaks volume. I hear you.
But do you hear me like i hear you? Do you hear me loud & clear?
I will not open my body, turn the closed sign to say open & let you just have me, NO. You must love me.
I'll not your 7/11. Your 9 to 5 fuck job. I'm not your hoe. So love me. Love me if you lust for me. And wait for me if you love me.
I want you.

I'm afraid

I think I'll take one of the bags from under my eyes, fold myself up & pack me away. I'm afraid of me.
I don't know what I'm capable of doing to this world, so I think it's just best I stay away from it. I'm afraid of me.
See those bags? Yeah, their filled with cups of coffee, muffins & loneliness. I'm so afraid of me.
I'm so afraid of me that I ran away from me. Yeah, I escaped myself. I'm not the me I use to be. The old me wasn't a cry baby. The old me never cried. And the old me had no bags.
I guess this new me felt so afraid her eyes had a droit. I'm afraid of me.

Dear 40 Year Old Jazz,

I hope the world knows your name. I hope you have a book in every library across the world. And I hope that your not afraid to take risks anymore.
High school was ok but, it wasn't made for you. You may have passed your reading class but you failed at being normal. Thats ok, you're cool anyway.
In high school you may have worried a little too much about your past to plan your future, thats probably why you do things last minute now but, its ok. Your still successful.
I know it's crazy now, but back then it was different because around the time you started High school you still couldn't get married in ALL 50 states because you like the same gender. Are you married now? Where did you get married?
You've helped create change in yourself and the world by standing up not only to bullies but standing up to yourself as well. You gave yourself permission to to live your best life. You created change by becoming one less scared soul afraid of living. Your now another survivor.
40 year old self, I hope your happy with yourself. I hope you have 2kids and I hope everyone knows your name.
I hope that the WORLD remembers your legacy and carry it on for years to come.
Dear 40 year old me,
I'm PROUD of YOU.!!!

Your Fingers

When I look at your fingers I get chills.
I get flashbacks of the things they've done to me. You give chills to me.
They helped rebuild me. They secured every insecurity I ever had about me. They gave me new meaning. They've felt me.
Your fingers as fat as they are loosened me. This life was like a noose to be. It was staring to hang on me.
Your fingers aren't new to me. Your fingers molded me. Holding different parts of my body until the moon light became sun light.
I get chills when I think of the pattern your fingers made across the small of my back as I laid across you at 7:48 that saturday night.
Its convinces me that you love me even if you probably don't.
At the sight of your fingers I get flashbacks of the things you've done to me. Their not new to me.

I swear I hate YOU.!!

I get annoyed at the sight of your face.
Its like you live to piss me off.
I can't believe I loved you at all. Just the thought of liking you makes my stomach turn. I HATE YOU. But I love you too.
Your my best friend but your my enemy too. Damn girl, I, I just HAT YOU.
I hate you for making me fall in love with you. I hate you for not protecting me. I just hate you. I hate you i hate you.
I hate that I love you. I hate that I'm gay. I wish I never met you. I hate that you walk around like everything between us is ok.
I hate that I cry over you. I just hate you.

I started it.

Yelp that last time I started it, I kissed her on her neck. Made her body run wild.
I made her heart beat a little, made me question all I could do. She laid up against my chest listening to see if my moans & my heart beat would cry at the same time making them twins.
She discovered every insecurity I had with her left hand, as she gripped my face kissing it with her right.
The sounds of love didn't have to let my mother know I wasn't a little kid anymore, it was the efforts to make dead silence that gave it away.
I waited long enough. And she was the right one. She was one that loved me on those red sheets the very first time. She was the one that motivated me to do better. She was the girl with the cherry red kisses that locked my lips.
She was my world. But now that fate drifted us apart I think its time that I thank you. Thank you for locking our spirits & not letting go.
Thank you for memories of the sticky kiss you gave me our 2nd try. Thank you for the dry cheeks & wet sheets you gave me, thank you for Loving me.

My Momma Stole yo' man

Mommy, you left your lipstick stain on my daddy's collar the night Y'all made me.
He went home to his wife he smelled like he had been wrapped in you all night.
The scent of your rare Gold perfume lingered on his body so, not even a shower could wash you away.
She found out. His wife found out that YOU were the 12a.m text messages he was getting every night that he didn't come see you.
Mommy you're the woman many women hate. You're the man stealing, no good woman. But I disagree with them.
I may be a lesbian & have very little experience with men but, I know no man can be stolen if he doesn't already want to leave. So Women please, please stop calling my mother the woman who stole your man.
I'd say she did the both of you a favor. My mother showed you that man wasn't their to love you & she showed him all the trick little girls like you can't do.
So thank her. Thank her for taking that problem off your hands. To me it doesn't matter how many men she's stolen. That's my mother & I love her.
Mother I love you.

Never Fade away

I'll write your name with a million & one kisses in red lip stick. And hold it next to my heart for the world to see Then i'll hug u and prey our love never fades away.

HOE

You're upset because your girlfriends a hoe.!
Well, don't that sound familiar.
I had a hoe Girlfriend before too.
Yeah, she's YOU.
Don't you remember?
The FootBall team? The tall light skinned dude? Or what about the dread head with the outstanding chest?
You were a hoe.
And you act like you didn't care that it hurt me.
Remember you get what you give so baby, you shouldn't have been a hoe.
You sit at the lunch table crying about how she/he did you bad. But don't you remember I use to be your punching bag?
Taking all the shit from you, then wiping all your tears away. Girl please.
Now your girlfriend is a hoe you want to cry.
Don't you realize I cried those same tears when I loved yo' Hoe Ass?

My Pen

Pen, I have a pen. I have a pen that speaks about everything.
My pen has a big mouth. My pen couldn't hold a secret if I paid it too.
My pen cries ink & writes truth. My pen cries as if its in front of God himself. My pen has more of a life than I've had in the last 4years.
My pen writes on my papers lines discovering its weaknesses & making its edges fold.
My pen is a freak. It writes my wildest fantasies making my girlfriends mind go to work. My pen writes to the God's.
Writing my insecurities, and making my dreams come to past. My pen is my best friend.
My anger oozes from the ball rolling across the Wexford Sheets.
I am my pens keeper. Keeping it safe, tucked away in my pocket being sure the bullies don't see it. My pen is my safety net.
I can depend on it to catch me if I fall in love a little too hard.
My pen is my best friend.
Pen, I have a pen in my pocket. I call it my Best friend.

Question my Faith in us.

I don't want to mess up your good day. But I'm starting to question my faith In us.
I don't know if you love me just yet, so I think I'd like to take it slow for now.
I'm not here to rain on your good day. I just wanted to tell you that I love you but its hurts. Yeah.
And I don't want to love you if it means I'll loose myself & my life, ooh noo.!
I'd rather stay single then to deal with you, your hurt & pain. You may not understand but you must know Its a girl thang.
Yeah, its a girl thang. I would expect you to not understand because your not made of sugar & spice & everything nice.
But heres the thing. Neither am I. I'm more like old spice slapped onto my daddy wrist. The night he went to visit my momma the night I was conceived.
I'm like failed Birth control pills & $200 for an abortion that my momma didn't get because my big brother needed some new kicks.
I'm like shots of wisky on my daddy's breath the night he left me & my momma on my granny's steps.
I'm like beaten & abducted women. So its easy for me to love you because my daddy never loved me. So i guess I'm just easy.
Easy not to fall in love with.
I didn't come to rain on your good day but I'm starting to question my faith in us.

ForEver & 7Days

This girl sends Shivers up my body. Causing my knees to be weak from the trust we've built. This girls the bomb. Shes the face I kiss good night every night in my dreams. She's spiritually mines for eternity. Nobody else is like her.
Before i met her I never knew someone could mentally send messages to my brain that made my heart smile.
I never knew holding onto someones chest could calm your heart beat but make mines speed, I never knew that Love was such a thing.
I didn't know that A kiss could cause a heart to explode into a million little "I'm sorry's" and Ten million "I never meant to do you wrong's."
And no one ever told me that your kisses hid a lie that your lips Wouldn't dare speak of. I didn't know you were capable of making me weak.
Hug me for 10seconds & I'll stay wrapped in you for hours, making you my safety vest protecting our hearts from fight over the one who'll end up with the broken heart.
I'll love you forever & 7days.

If Time Turned back.

I want times to go back how they were when I was like 5-6 Years old. People wore over all's & busted kicks. & every one came to Granny's house for an important event.
I want times to go back where all the women worked spiked hair like fantasia & all the kids on the block played "Dirty Face Monster."
When us kids ran from the porch to the green light Pole being sure to not pass from in front of the house, around the light pole & back to the porch. All in the name of trying to not get tagged in a game of IT.
I wish time would go back to when I couldn't go to the corner store without my big cousin being with me. Those times let me know people actually cared about me even if it may have seemed like then they were being mean.
If time just turned back far enough to let the Ice Cream truck roll on the block one last time, I'd stand in the kitchen at 14 years old jumping up & down begging momma to go give me a dollar so i could get a vanilla cone with extra sprinkles even thought she's in the middle of cooking dinner.
If time passed back, I'd have another day of being God's BestFriend like I was when I was 7. Up on time every sunday morning, Dressed, sitting on the couch & holding my grandmothers bible in my lap as she walked into the living room asking "Brown, which earrings should I wear? The gold hoops if the silver ones?"
Me pointing up at the silver ones but her putting on the gold instead. I wish times were much simpler,
Like Where I didn't care if I had on jogging pants & a kool aid stain on my T-Shirt. I just wanted to go outside & play. Where Barney made me happy. And when my heart didn't get involved with a relationship.
And i wish I could still take a nap in the same bed with my male BestFriend without people thinking sex was involved.
I wish I was a little kid again. Maybe I'd be much happier.

Love in my Wind Pipe

Do u know how it feels to have love in your wind pipe? I swore Not to exhale it but at the rate its coming I cant do nothing but escape it!
If love was suppose to suffocate you its doing its job with me. Its killing me.
I guess this is what happens when I speak with sincerity & Love without insecurities.
Back up I got this. I'll fight this flu myself.
I ain't even gon lie I miss u. But u disced me & I wont chase u, True.!
I'd rather hold you, when its cold. But instead I watched you leave in the cold that night.
You said we could just be friends but where was the friendship when I was with u. I missed u when I was with you cause I always felt you were never their. I love you.
Do you know how It feels to have love in your wind pipes? I guess not, It didn't suffocate you.

Want you as mine.

Sometimes I want to kiss your nose & tell you i love you more than any moon that can ever be full.
Sometimes I can't imagine myself ever breathing again without you being their.
AND
Sometimes, I want you to know I never stopped caring about you even if you think I have.
AND
Sometimes I just want you to hold me.
You don't have to hold me like you love me, just hold me like your my friend.
Hold me as if my body's the road map to heaven.
And kiss me like my saliva gives you life.
I WANT YOU AS MINES.
I know I had the chance.
And we both messed up, but because God believe's in 2nd chances shouldn't we all?
I know when ever you think of the date 10.18.11, the numbers fall into the cracks of your smile,
Almost falling out of your mouth at the seams of your teeth.
I know you wish to speak of me but your afraid she will hear you.
BUT,
Don't be afraid, yell it out loud. Say my name. Tell the world that I'm your 10.18.11 and you LOVE ME.!
Because everyday i wake up & yell, I LOVE YOU.

Letter to myself

Dear Jazzmine,
Never forget that your purpose is to serve, Love, and live for him. So, you can NOT, and I repeat CAN NOT let one simple girl stop you from doing that. She wanted to do u dirty. Don't sweat it boo, Karma got her. Let God handle that. That ain't your mess to clean up.
Oh, & Jazzmine, Never forget to love yourself. & baby, never cry yourself to sleep again, the one girl that God got waiting for you will never be the reason behind your tears. But she will be the reason why you buying wedding dresses & wedding rings. She'll be better than that last Girl. She Will LOVE YOU.
Sincerely,
Yourself (Jazzmine)

Pimping Ain't Easy

If  I were a Pimp, I wanna win player of the year every year.
   I want a gold Cadillac, 75 feet long, with a diamond in the back and
TV's in my head rest so my hoes can watch videos on how to not look like a trick.
      I don't want my prostitutes to be women either. I want then to be
big, tall, chocolate, swollen brothers in business suites and alligator dress shoes.
    I want my hoes to be fly.
I want my tricks to call me daddy and give me 60% of what ever they make.
   Imma   name my hoes the days of the week so they know what days the work.
      Unlike any other pimp, I wont beat my tricks. When they misbehave I'm gonna hit
 them where it hurts most, their pockets, cause my momma taught me that.
                My Hoes wouldn't have to fuck for money either.
                  Instead they'll have to do good deeds.
And nothing is better than being paid in long lasting "Thank Yous"
that settle in your cheeks like the flavors of long lasting chewing gum.
     They'll get paid in smiles and hugs from helping old women and little girls cross the street.
  And when they report back to me, I want them to reach into their pant pockets and pull out hand fulls of hugs and kisses.
    I want my hoes to be smart. College educated and fully motivated to take on the world.
Instead of turning tricks, I want them to turn half empty hearts into half full ones.
   I want them to turn frowns into smiles, crack heads into profits and full moons into shining stars.
       I want my hoes to be like me. Warm Hearts & talent, just like me.
If I were a pimp, I'd win player of the year every year.
    Turning the world into a happier place, one hoe at a time.

Dear Hair Weave,

Dear Hair Weave,
Your expensive. Your so expensive some people can't pay their light bill because of you.
And some people, well bald people need you. Mr.Weave, if your the cheap kind, why can't you simply curl to make people believe that your Remy when your really Jimmy.
Weave, you put me threw a lot. But your so attractive, I don't mind waking up 10 minutes early just to do you.
"If you can't grow it sow it." I always say. But Mr.Weave it would be nice if niggas stopped treating you so bad. Like, not brushing you and having you looking a mess.
Weave, I really do need you. Weave I know one thing, if everyone in the world stopped making money, I know you wouldn't.
Why? Because the world needs you.
Maybe I'll get some of your brother "Mr.Real Good" so I can have Long Diva Curls like Syleena Johnson, or Nicci Gilbert even.
Or Maybe, I'll get some Clippers, shave my sides and glue some of your daughter in "Purple Rain" so I can look like Monifah.
Hmmm, so many options. I don't know which to choose. But, what I do know is Mr.Hair Weave I do LOVE YOU.

Sincerely, Jazzmine (A faithful weave wearer)

Feel Empty

When your chest feels empty like you can't breath anymore don't be afraid.

Don't be afraid to ever feel empty because it means you can't be used.!

No one can rip out the pieces of you that mean the most to you because you've used them all for yourself.

You've used them to make you happy. You've fulfilled the dreams you've always talked about.

You've danced the rhythms of life, and walked the only path that can lead you to God.
You've achieved happiness.

If your chest ever feels empty never question if your missing something in this life.

And rather than questioning your faith in God, look to him and say, thank you father, I love you.

Don't ever be afraid to be empty. It only means you can't be used.

How I'm feeling

"Sometimes what you think might be crazy may not be crazy to the next person."
A random guy on FaceBook told me that. And tears started to fall knowing that this guy could have just solved all of my insecurities within a second.
Me as a extremely emotional teenager felt that after the 8th grade, the world hated me.
I lost many friends but, I gained a few more. So I didn't know if I should be angry & bitter or excited & relieved that people still like me.
I have a heart filled with a thousand question marks because I don't know if love's suppose to be a one way street, I don't know if I'm going to hell because I live, breath & bleed gay. And I don't even know if my daddy really loves me.
With these questions come anger.
I'm angry that the girl I love, well once loved played me like a toy & threw me away.
I was angry enough to wrap 2 Chainz around my neck & wrap my truth like a rap song. I would spit the truth of needing to be at God's feel & put him first because he always loved me.
I was angry because I dared to question my religion even when God had complete faith in me.
And I was sad because I looked for something out in the world that i had in my heart the whole time.
I had God.
So how dare them bigots say because I'm gay theirs no way I know God. I know him. Question is do you?

Me & Syleena Johnson

I went all the way out to North Chicago On the Metra Train in the middle of the night with my momma & my best friend just to have this moment. Y'all I prayed for this like It was going to be my last prayer. My dream came true. 9.9.12

Your love bus.

I was suppose to get off this bus 3 stops ago, but giving up that chance to smell your dreams & get high off of u was too much of a risk to take. See I know love when I see it & baby, You are love.
Your the love that keeps me going, the love that fills me up when I'm hungry & your the love that keeps this earth in rotation. I know you are love because their is nothing better than a woman's love.
You know. Women got that love where hugs linger on your body still making you feel wrapped in their arms in the middle of the night.
Women got that love where kisses aren't just worth a thousand emotions, kisses are like the world cemented into Gods back. Kisses are probably the explanation why they can't find life on mars. And a woman's kiss is why the caged bird sings.
See to me your the axis MY earth rotates around. Your the definition of all I been missing. I swear for you I would bleed rubies, & cry diamonds if it meant I could make you the happiest woman in the world.
Age don't matter baby so COME ON, you know You wanna be with me. You can never forget that I was yo' first "thang." I was your 1st girl, 1st girl crush & I was you 1st girl kiss. And shit, I was even willing to yo' first closet freak if you wanted me to.
Because that's how much I love you.
I love you enough to take 5 steps back in the closet when I just struggled to take all ten.!
You are a woman & thats why I love you. so when You walk around with your new boo realize she looks just like me. & try's to love you like I do. But she can never be me because you can never make copies without first consulting the blue print. So nice TRY.!
I was suppose to get off your love bus 3 stops ago. But I couldn't give up that chance to smell your dreams & get high off you. I love you.

Dear Body,

    I'm sorry if I ever used you to act anything less of a queen.
        I'm sorry if I ever embarrassed you in front of a mirror.
And I'm sorry  because, I never really did protect you enough.
   Sometimes I would use you as my own personal xscape from stress.
And some nights I would treat you like a sheet of construction paper.
                                       I would cut you.

Legs, I'm sorry for never showing you off to the world.
  It's just that your so ugly, your not worth being seen.
Oh, and legs, I'm sorry for always making up these lame excuses as to why you haven't had Oxygen
in the last 8 years of holding me up.
   
Arms, I think I use and abuse you the most.
I'm sorry for not realizing that you have feelings. And you too are beautiful.
  And God has placed 2 beauty marks on you for a reason.

So I'm sorry for using that sharp bobby pin to slice you. Carving the first 4 letters in my 1st name into you, to always remember the music that I once danced too.
                                                 I would dance to Jazz.

Breast, I'm sorry for trying to tie you down in the 5th grade when you were a C cup.
  And in the 3rd grade when you were a B cup.
   B standing for the  biggest chest in the class. You know you were the ONLY one wearing a "real" bra, and not one of those train things.
                                     You never sat in one of those.
  Someday's until this day, I think God & mother nature made you so big to distract people from my heart beat that sounded like an exploding land mime.
    You too are beautiful with that birth mark your last girlfriend admired.

     Spine, I'm actually grateful for you.
With out you, today I wouldn't stand up straight like the Queen, Latifah always said that I am.

                           And Hands, boy do I love you.
You pray with me, you write for me and your always their for me.
You always their to wipe away every tear before someone sees it fall.
  And I don't think it would be right for me to say all the other
you can do. Because that's to stay between me, you, and my girlfriend.

           But Hands, you make her fall in love with me all, over, again.
And a good hand never touches and tell.

    So body, I think that this is a thank you. A thank you for loving me enough to hold onto me.
                                                                                                   Sincerely,
                                                                                                  Jazzmine

If I Exist...?

I'll write "I miss you" with stars & carve the moon to look like a smiley face just so your face can smile again.    

Every night I wait, & wait, & wait for a text message.

    And on some of those days I cry myself to sleep because everyday you are the 1st & last thing I think about. 

                     And to me your everything.      

        So I hate that theirs a chance you fall asleep and add me to your list of sweet little nothings. I hate that I exist in the shadows of that other girl, or maybe I don't exist at all. 

  But if I do can you smash a batch of freshly picked red roses and write my name in pollen across your heart, for I have already written yours. 

    Or can I kiss your forehead gently instead of all that rough making out. I'd like to take it slow.    

             If I exist in your pretty little world can I take you to a field if daisy's and hand feed you your favorite foods.   

     And then can I kiss you softly, look into your big brown eyes and hold your face in my palms & just admire your beauty one blink at a time?   

If this is too much for me to ask, can you just say "hello?" 

Hooked on your love

You got me hooked on your love sweet love but, too bad you don't know it.
I've loved you endlessly since the 7th grade. I love you like my mother loves cala Lilly's on a sunday morning.
I love you like God loves me; unconditionally.
I love as much as beauty loves your face enough to stick.
I love you more than a ballerina loves to dance, more than the moon loves the sky, more than a milky way likes its wrapper.
But too bad you don't know it.
Too bad gay does not know your pride. And too bad I suffer because you cant accept yourself.
Baby, hear my cry.
I hate that I can't hold you as close because your afraid someone will know.
But haven't you heard of "Don't ask don't tell?"
They don't ask, we don't tell but if they do i can never live a lie.
So I'll just say,
"Yes, I spent the night holding someone. I held the one person God made for me. I laid with her in my arms, and I watched her sleep."
"I inhaled every exhale and I cherished it like it was my Bible. So yes, I held the one person God created for me when he created lesbians."
You got me hooked on your love sweet love, but too bad you don't know it.

My Message To Chick-Fil-A

Chick-Fil-A will never for as long as I live get another dime of my money. I feel its just isn't right to say you have "Christen Values" & then Give money to the foundations that are pushing to stop the Movement of civil unions. If your a Christen like you say, then you will know that God don't like ugly & he sure don't like haters (IN ANY FORM). As Andrea (R.Kelly's ex-Wife also from VH1's HollyWood exes) Would say "You better check yo'
E-Mail."

Rolling with a cricKet

I hate when ppl ask 2 see my phone to do 1 thing then turn around & get on FACEBOOK. & DIDNT EVEN ASK.!! Like -_- I think thats just rude, greedy, & just flat out disrespectful. Like did u not take into consideration that I NEED TO KEEP AT LEAST A HALF BATTERY? People blow me up the FREAKING WALL. & then they wanna get mad cause they FEEL i think im "All that" cause I got an iPhone. Child gone people was jelious when I was rolling with a cricKet. I think your life starts when you step
------> this way & outta my way.

Dear De'andra (BestFriend)

Dear Deandra,
Im sorry about the little blow up I had in the hall today. Honestly I truly am. :-) I had been having a rough day & you happen to get the feelings thrown onto you with out me thinking emotions built & rage formed. You of all people should know I hate fighting my friends & with you I know this is a friendship God built to last, & I refuse to allow one bad day to tear us apart.! U of all people also know I don't give a shit about shit so for me to be saying sorry is a big step into growing up. You helped to teach me that. I'm sorry, I deeply love you & no fake friend will do this. So Hun @ me at my twitter name so I know it's real.!

Loosing a friend really isn't all that bad.

I lost a friend. I lost a best friend. I lost a BestFriend that I thought was a good friend but was actually season friend. You know the type of friend that u thought u could trust, love and call your sister. I lost one of the few friends that called my mother, momma & I called hers mom. I hate that I lost her but I guess with growth comes change. She was the change I never wanted to see go, so I fought for us but God said no. To achieve greatness you must let go. So I did what God set out for me to do. In this friend I noticed a lot of imperfections so I loved every one of them. One, she don't think that she's beautiful & always needs a guy to validate her. Thats one reason y were no longer friends. She let a guy get into her head rather than her heart & change her thinking & not her passion to show integrity. Once a A&B student now she's lower than my height.! She uses her big words to seem smart & try's to make others look dumb when she's the ultimate dummy. She's the dummy that threw away a good friend like I was the last weeks paper & she didn't care to read & understand me. So with me being the person that gives a shit about nothing, I figured if she could let a guy redefine what our "Friendship" was then we were never really friends to start with.! And in this situation she never got to realize that karma's a bitch because she was to busy being a dummy that what i suppose to have did to her was the same she did to another girl. The only difference is the other girl didn't even want to bother with another simple bitch with a bad attitude. Yes I realize I lost what I suspected to be a bestFriend, worse I lost the one person I Figured I could run to when my soul had gotten shot by the bullits of the enemy. But never would I guess she was the enemy.

I thought I loved this girl...

I thought I loved.
I thought I loved this girl.
I thought I loved this girl that I don't even really like anymore.
This girl was, older.
This girl was, a lot older than me.
In fact she is so much older that starting on a certain day, we can't even talk anymore.
This girl gave me all the love I thought I wanted from someone, but eventually I couldn't handle it.
See, the thing is because she's so much older, she's ready for sex, & I'm not. See I'm a little young, maybe a little bit wild, & I do like to be free.
But I'm still a child, & she's practically an adult now & it scares me to know that we have to stop talking.
I built this wall up knowing that this day would come,
I built this wall to protect myself from the emotional damage our separation would cause.
I focused on the reasons why I shouldn't love her, instead of the reasons why I should love her.
I told myself that it's because she's not all the attractive.
But I know that's not true because those big brown eyes tell a story that not many people can see.
Then I tried convincing myself that it was because she was too much of a rough neck, which I didn't really admire to begin with but I learned to deal with it.
I thought I built this wall to prevent myself from enduring a terrible heart break.
But I actually built this wall because I had never really got over my first "mate" my first kiss, my first girlfriend, & u know I could never really get over her because she was my first love.
It breaks my heart to know that there is someone that loves me deeply but I cant be in love with them back because I'm in love with someone else, that I'm not to sure even loves me back.!

Not In my vocabulary.!!!

For me failing is not in my vocab. But for others it's the only source of feeling like something even if it's not a good feeling. But to see some people fail & get back up & kick that task in the ass is the most thing to see because I get a chance to see how blessed I am & see how Well GOD WORKS.!!

Why can't you love me?

April25, 1998,
The day I was born.
This day was suppose to be one of the best days of my parents life, but instead they treated it like a death sentence.
Holding your baby girl for the first time is suppose to be a unforgettable experience, but for them it didn't happen this way.
Ever since I can remember all I ever asked Santa for was for my parents to love me.
I asked him to give me them under a Christmas tree waiting to hold, mold & love me into a better women than I was turning out to be. With the lack of affection I was starting to fail my classes, kick peoples asses, & even started to party a little. I did this in attempts to gain attention & all I got was a slit wrist burned with my own tears. Mommy, can't you see that I'm crying for your hug, or even for you to just say you love me even if it's hard for you to mean it.
Why didn't you teach me to be a lady?
I can't seem to respect you for the simple fact that where you lacked as mother my teacher had to step up & fill that hole you left when you cursed my soul the day I told you that I'm gay.
I don't want to hate you because even thought you may not love me, I love you for being everything in a mother I never want to be when I have children. You will be the example of why I hold my children at night letting them know it's ok to cry because mommy will never let you go.
And Daddy, where did you go?
All of my teen years we only spoke of Facebook, & most of the time the words weren't nice.
I remember the day I got in trouble for fighting in school & you called the house from Jail to tell me I was wrong. Ever since that day I could never take you seriously because you were yelling at me & your doing time for attempted murder.
Ask me again why the hell am I so crazy.
If you were a real man my uncle wouldn't have to teach me right from wrong & kick ass when ever some ones done me wrong.
I shouldn't even call you daddy because any boy can make babies & be called father. But it takes a man to be my daddy.

Mom, dad, look at me! Can't you see that in hurt? Can't you see that with these slashes on my arm I was on the verge of suicide?
Why can't you love me?

Who I am. (Girl Talk assignment.)

I'm black & white, I'm a tad short too!
I don't know my insides to well, but I know I'm different.! I was once a person who didn't care about anything but today I'm a girl Thats slightly confused & unsure.! I know I wanna be a women but for now I'll stay a child.!! I'm a person that don't care what people call me but I know it's not what they say because my grandmother always told me its all about what I answer to
I know who the true me is.!!

Your secret crush.

Most days I catch myself staring at u in Math class.
And on all of these days I'm thinking of new ways to love you so deeply even God can feel it.

I hate those rainy days.
When the window shades are drawn
and the room's dark.

When I look at your skin, on your cheek
It looks like your crying because the rain shows
So clear on the
Window that it shows on
Your face too.!

I know how you feel
At night.

You hold yourself, crying, gripping your favorite pillow because you love
Someone you THINK
You can't have.

I know how you feel at night
Because I feel the same way too.

I don't know if
Its me you think you
Can't have but someday I want
You to take me away.!

Take me off into your world.
I wanna fly on your magic carpet.

I want us to
Be like Jasmine & Aladdin
In that Disney movie.!

But in our case it
Will be, Jasmine & Jazzmine
Flying off on a magic
Carpet into your world. I don't
Care what your outsides look like as
Long as your insides aren't rotten.

Your standing in this very room.

When I look left then look right
I just know I'll see you,

Because your always on the right side of
My heart.

Sorry if I give
You goose bumps as
I read this & maybe tomorrow I'll be
Sorry I ever read this.

But as of now I don't care.!!!

I just wanna clasp your
Face between my 2 palms
And hold u like no one
Ever held me.

I wanna make u my business

So when people tell me that anything
Involving you is non of by business
I can say,
I love u & your all the business
I need.

So there, your my business.

Im your secret crush & I need you.!!

When I was 13

When I was 13,
I learned how to be myself.
I learned how not fitting in was ok.
And that it was ok to be sad sometime, but in order to see some sunshine, I must walk in the rain.

When I was 13,
I formed laugh lines so thick in my face you could sworn I had seen years of happiness and not one day of pain.

At age 13, I learned what
my buttons were,
and how not to allow people to push them.

In this day in age when I was 13, most girls wanted to give there virginity to the "Lil Waka Flaka" down the street, but no, not me!

I held onto mines like it was Gods hand on judgement day, that's because I was scared.

I wasn't afraid of the popping of my cherry or the baby some girls walk around with like it's ok.

I was afraid I would be less of a women when the time came for me to actually be a women.

I wanted to be pure.!

When I was 13,
I was in the 8th grade and I rolled out the closet too.

A famous girl once said "closets are for clothes, not for people, and last time I checked I wasn't hanging from a hanger fresh from the dry cleaners, so there for yes, I'm gay.!"

Ask me who that famous girl is and I'll tell you me.

Gander is a universe and
We are all stars,
which means I'm a celebrity to the
Galaxy of crazy.

When I was 13, I became
Brave, I loved for the very first time, and kissed in that age too.

I got to know myself. Even though myself got crushed by what
She thought was love but was
Actually a 1,000 tone building of emotions

Built up in me and came crashing down like building in 911.

At age 13,
I was silly, smart, lovable, sad, mad, and most important, I stayed a child.!

Stop It.!!!

STOP laughing at him.
So what he dances & man be a little gay,
Don’t you remember you’re not always straight?
Or did you forget April 15
you were my first kiss.

But never would I have allowed you to kiss me softly
forcing the hairs on the back of my neck to curl up,
If I had known you were so mean. !

STOP laughing at him.
So what he enjoys the ballet & his body doesn’t look like a walking obituary
Even though he’s fast approaching the mean
Age of 15.

God is like his satellite
& He’s his own car,
So his confidence is the steering wheel
Your constantly turning left when the arrows of the road
Clearly says turn right.

Your ignorance had landed him in a ditch
Of self confidence that’s gushing out
Of his busted heart you drove your stupidity through.
Looking at it fall, his heart is now hallow.
No heartbeat, you can hear the drops crashing to the ground
& I bet you don’t feel an inch of shame. ! ! !

Or have you forgotten about
Stupid’s little sister Karma?
She’ll be back to serve you up an order of your scrambled guts
She had freshly taken out last week
& Then she’ll leave your pride
a little runny.

I hope you enjoy the fool
You’ve made of yourself cause
Karma’s about to eat you alive, kind of how you did that boy
You’d call “Faggot,”
That enjoyed the ballet,
& May have been a little gay. !

My Grandma always says
You reap what you sow. So get ready, Granny’s
Never wrong...

Martin's Dream...

          Martin's dream called for race intergration.
                                             But it didn't save the world.
       He dreamed that we would not be judged by the color of our skin but by the content of our character.
     But in the minds of many indivisuals his dream didn't make a diffrence.
                                                            Yes this hurts us.
               Because I'm in a class of some that care, & others that are influenced by the Nicki Minaj, & Waka Flaka's of the would who's body looks like a walking obituary.
         We can't progress in Martin's dream because it didn't ask for the president to pass the laws of self hate.
                                             It simply asked to be loved.
                         Never did it ask to be rediculed by the man that said it wasn't ok for men to love men or women to love women.
                          He only asked to be loved by the white men.
                 Im my mind i'm not comprehending why martin would care what the white man thinks.
                                   Not to be raciest in any form but the white man is as poor as the black,
            
     the Latin is as smart as the Asain. And the Jewish has just as much of a great chance to meet Christ as the Christian.
     The world try to make slavery look as though it was over thousands of years ago.
                                            When its really something that happends every day. 
     We are always on the defence when someone walks into the room,
                 we wonder what they think so there for we are slaves to their opinions. The words are our
                                                masters so we might as well go & answer
                                                                   "Yes Sir."
                                                        Just admit it.
         Our hearts are broken because ot them our blood isn't blue, & it doesn't turn red when it hits the air.
                          We might as well say we are alians and they are living on mars.
                   A planet so hot they will learn to get use to hell.
        So when they finally reach it they will finally be used  to the degree of satine
           and it wont surprise them what our lives were like.
                                                        Martin's dream asked to be loved and
            we can't progress in his dream until we stop being slaves to our selves.