We got that sitting in church silence.
That sssshh, the Lord will hear you silence. We got that don't tell nobody that I love you silence.
Well, I'm getting tired of sleeping in that silence so, I'm about to strip my bed sheets & let the world see what we did in that silence.
I hate you.
Nobody knows that you draw pictures of hearts & put them in my locker. And nobody knows that you hold me tight at night & call me baby.
It doesn't matter what You say here today nothing will ever make me stop loving you even though you couldn't spell out "I love You" in a simple text message.
You do it any other day so why not today? I'm threw with you. Yes, I know I said I love you but I will never be reduced down to being your hoe.
And my Vagina is not your door. So you can't just walk in me when you feel like it. I will never be that girl.
The girl that has you wrapped up her fingertips & bed sheets. I will never be that girl that falls for you then cries when you pull up your pants & walk the other way.
I can never be that girl.
You try to convince yourself that you love her & you want nothing to do with me but come on baby she's just like me.
You wish you were with me so you only hold her half as tight as you should making her feel only have as loved as I did. Shame on you. I love you.
But I'd rather spend every night crying alone than to ever be your hoe.
I'm not that girl.
(Inspired my Another Poet)
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Saturday, October 27, 2012
I want you so bad.
My body quivers at the thought of u. I want you. You got me over here in my bed tossing and turning. I want you.
I want you to hold me in your arms, wrap your legs around my waist & kiss me. I want you.
I want you in every way possible. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I want you for eternity.
Baby I just want you.
I get excited when you text me. And I may not respond all the time but, its because I'm too busy missing you. I want you
I wonder if I give you chills too. Does a part of your body jump when you see me like that part of my body does when I see u?
Do you lust for me, like I lust for you?
So you wake up at night turning your pillow over the cool side just to try & make it threw the night when you want for me like I want for you?
Do you want me? No, I mean do you want me like I want you. Do you lust for me? Does your mouth water at the thought of me? Knees weaken at the sight of me? Do you lust for me Like I like lust for you? Do you Love me?
Do you love me like I love you? And if you do their should be no stuttering in that speech. That silent speech is clear to me. You don't have to explain your self I heard you loud & clear.
Your silence speaks volume. I hear you.
But do you hear me like i hear you? Do you hear me loud & clear?
I will not open my body, turn the closed sign to say open & let you just have me, NO. You must love me.
I'll not your 7/11. Your 9 to 5 fuck job. I'm not your hoe. So love me. Love me if you lust for me. And wait for me if you love me.
I want you.
I want you to hold me in your arms, wrap your legs around my waist & kiss me. I want you.
I want you in every way possible. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I want you for eternity.
Baby I just want you.
I get excited when you text me. And I may not respond all the time but, its because I'm too busy missing you. I want you
I wonder if I give you chills too. Does a part of your body jump when you see me like that part of my body does when I see u?
Do you lust for me, like I lust for you?
So you wake up at night turning your pillow over the cool side just to try & make it threw the night when you want for me like I want for you?
Do you want me? No, I mean do you want me like I want you. Do you lust for me? Does your mouth water at the thought of me? Knees weaken at the sight of me? Do you lust for me Like I like lust for you? Do you Love me?
Do you love me like I love you? And if you do their should be no stuttering in that speech. That silent speech is clear to me. You don't have to explain your self I heard you loud & clear.
Your silence speaks volume. I hear you.
But do you hear me like i hear you? Do you hear me loud & clear?
I will not open my body, turn the closed sign to say open & let you just have me, NO. You must love me.
I'll not your 7/11. Your 9 to 5 fuck job. I'm not your hoe. So love me. Love me if you lust for me. And wait for me if you love me.
I want you.
Friday, October 26, 2012
I'm afraid
I think I'll take one of the bags from under my eyes, fold myself up & pack me away. I'm afraid of me.
I don't know what I'm capable of doing to this world, so I think it's just best I stay away from it. I'm afraid of me.
See those bags? Yeah, their filled with cups of coffee, muffins & loneliness. I'm so afraid of me.
I'm so afraid of me that I ran away from me. Yeah, I escaped myself. I'm not the me I use to be. The old me wasn't a cry baby. The old me never cried. And the old me had no bags.
I guess this new me felt so afraid her eyes had a droit. I'm afraid of me.
I don't know what I'm capable of doing to this world, so I think it's just best I stay away from it. I'm afraid of me.
See those bags? Yeah, their filled with cups of coffee, muffins & loneliness. I'm so afraid of me.
I'm so afraid of me that I ran away from me. Yeah, I escaped myself. I'm not the me I use to be. The old me wasn't a cry baby. The old me never cried. And the old me had no bags.
I guess this new me felt so afraid her eyes had a droit. I'm afraid of me.
Dear 40 Year Old Jazz,
I hope the world knows your name. I hope you have a book in every library across the world. And I hope that your not afraid to take risks anymore.
High school was ok but, it wasn't made for you. You may have passed your reading class but you failed at being normal. Thats ok, you're cool anyway.
In high school you may have worried a little too much about your past to plan your future, thats probably why you do things last minute now but, its ok. Your still successful.
I know it's crazy now, but back then it was different because around the time you started High school you still couldn't get married in ALL 50 states because you like the same gender. Are you married now? Where did you get married?
You've helped create change in yourself and the world by standing up not only to bullies but standing up to yourself as well. You gave yourself permission to to live your best life. You created change by becoming one less scared soul afraid of living. Your now another survivor.
40 year old self, I hope your happy with yourself. I hope you have 2kids and I hope everyone knows your name.
I hope that the WORLD remembers your legacy and carry it on for years to come.
Dear 40 year old me,
I'm PROUD of YOU.!!!
High school was ok but, it wasn't made for you. You may have passed your reading class but you failed at being normal. Thats ok, you're cool anyway.
In high school you may have worried a little too much about your past to plan your future, thats probably why you do things last minute now but, its ok. Your still successful.
I know it's crazy now, but back then it was different because around the time you started High school you still couldn't get married in ALL 50 states because you like the same gender. Are you married now? Where did you get married?
You've helped create change in yourself and the world by standing up not only to bullies but standing up to yourself as well. You gave yourself permission to to live your best life. You created change by becoming one less scared soul afraid of living. Your now another survivor.
40 year old self, I hope your happy with yourself. I hope you have 2kids and I hope everyone knows your name.
I hope that the WORLD remembers your legacy and carry it on for years to come.
Dear 40 year old me,
I'm PROUD of YOU.!!!
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Your Fingers
When I look at your fingers I get chills.
I get flashbacks of the things they've done to me. You give chills to me.
They helped rebuild me. They secured every insecurity I ever had about me. They gave me new meaning. They've felt me.
Your fingers as fat as they are loosened me. This life was like a noose to be. It was staring to hang on me.
Your fingers aren't new to me. Your fingers molded me. Holding different parts of my body until the moon light became sun light.
I get chills when I think of the pattern your fingers made across the small of my back as I laid across you at 7:48 that saturday night.
Its convinces me that you love me even if you probably don't.
At the sight of your fingers I get flashbacks of the things you've done to me. Their not new to me.
I get flashbacks of the things they've done to me. You give chills to me.
They helped rebuild me. They secured every insecurity I ever had about me. They gave me new meaning. They've felt me.
Your fingers as fat as they are loosened me. This life was like a noose to be. It was staring to hang on me.
Your fingers aren't new to me. Your fingers molded me. Holding different parts of my body until the moon light became sun light.
I get chills when I think of the pattern your fingers made across the small of my back as I laid across you at 7:48 that saturday night.
Its convinces me that you love me even if you probably don't.
At the sight of your fingers I get flashbacks of the things you've done to me. Their not new to me.
I swear I hate YOU.!!
I get annoyed at the sight of your face.
Its like you live to piss me off.
I can't believe I loved you at all. Just the thought of liking you makes my stomach turn. I HATE YOU. But I love you too.
Your my best friend but your my enemy too. Damn girl, I, I just HAT YOU.
I hate you for making me fall in love with you. I hate you for not protecting me. I just hate you. I hate you i hate you.
I hate that I love you. I hate that I'm gay. I wish I never met you. I hate that you walk around like everything between us is ok.
I hate that I cry over you. I just hate you.
Its like you live to piss me off.
I can't believe I loved you at all. Just the thought of liking you makes my stomach turn. I HATE YOU. But I love you too.
Your my best friend but your my enemy too. Damn girl, I, I just HAT YOU.
I hate you for making me fall in love with you. I hate you for not protecting me. I just hate you. I hate you i hate you.
I hate that I love you. I hate that I'm gay. I wish I never met you. I hate that you walk around like everything between us is ok.
I hate that I cry over you. I just hate you.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
I started it.
Yelp that last time I started it, I kissed her on her neck. Made her body run wild.
I made her heart beat a little, made me question all I could do. She laid up against my chest listening to see if my moans & my heart beat would cry at the same time making them twins.
She discovered every insecurity I had with her left hand, as she gripped my face kissing it with her right.
The sounds of love didn't have to let my mother know I wasn't a little kid anymore, it was the efforts to make dead silence that gave it away.
I waited long enough. And she was the right one. She was one that loved me on those red sheets the very first time. She was the one that motivated me to do better. She was the girl with the cherry red kisses that locked my lips.
She was my world. But now that fate drifted us apart I think its time that I thank you. Thank you for locking our spirits & not letting go.
Thank you for memories of the sticky kiss you gave me our 2nd try. Thank you for the dry cheeks & wet sheets you gave me, thank you for Loving me.
I made her heart beat a little, made me question all I could do. She laid up against my chest listening to see if my moans & my heart beat would cry at the same time making them twins.
She discovered every insecurity I had with her left hand, as she gripped my face kissing it with her right.
The sounds of love didn't have to let my mother know I wasn't a little kid anymore, it was the efforts to make dead silence that gave it away.
I waited long enough. And she was the right one. She was one that loved me on those red sheets the very first time. She was the one that motivated me to do better. She was the girl with the cherry red kisses that locked my lips.
She was my world. But now that fate drifted us apart I think its time that I thank you. Thank you for locking our spirits & not letting go.
Thank you for memories of the sticky kiss you gave me our 2nd try. Thank you for the dry cheeks & wet sheets you gave me, thank you for Loving me.
My Momma Stole yo' man
Mommy, you left your lipstick stain on my daddy's collar the night Y'all made me.
He went home to his wife he smelled like he had been wrapped in you all night.
The scent of your rare Gold perfume lingered on his body so, not even a shower could wash you away.
She found out. His wife found out that YOU were the 12a.m text messages he was getting every night that he didn't come see you.
Mommy you're the woman many women hate. You're the man stealing, no good woman. But I disagree with them.
I may be a lesbian & have very little experience with men but, I know no man can be stolen if he doesn't already want to leave. So Women please, please stop calling my mother the woman who stole your man.
I'd say she did the both of you a favor. My mother showed you that man wasn't their to love you & she showed him all the trick little girls like you can't do.
So thank her. Thank her for taking that problem off your hands. To me it doesn't matter how many men she's stolen. That's my mother & I love her.
Mother I love you.
He went home to his wife he smelled like he had been wrapped in you all night.
The scent of your rare Gold perfume lingered on his body so, not even a shower could wash you away.
She found out. His wife found out that YOU were the 12a.m text messages he was getting every night that he didn't come see you.
Mommy you're the woman many women hate. You're the man stealing, no good woman. But I disagree with them.
I may be a lesbian & have very little experience with men but, I know no man can be stolen if he doesn't already want to leave. So Women please, please stop calling my mother the woman who stole your man.
I'd say she did the both of you a favor. My mother showed you that man wasn't their to love you & she showed him all the trick little girls like you can't do.
So thank her. Thank her for taking that problem off your hands. To me it doesn't matter how many men she's stolen. That's my mother & I love her.
Mother I love you.
Never Fade away
I'll write your name with a million & one kisses in red lip stick. And hold it next to my heart for the world to see Then i'll hug u and prey our love never fades away.
Monday, October 22, 2012
HOE
You're upset because your girlfriends a hoe.!
Well, don't that sound familiar.
I had a hoe Girlfriend before too.
Yeah, she's YOU.
Don't you remember?
The FootBall team? The tall light skinned dude? Or what about the dread head with the outstanding chest?
You were a hoe.
And you act like you didn't care that it hurt me.
Remember you get what you give so baby, you shouldn't have been a hoe.
You sit at the lunch table crying about how she/he did you bad. But don't you remember I use to be your punching bag?
Taking all the shit from you, then wiping all your tears away. Girl please.
Now your girlfriend is a hoe you want to cry.
Don't you realize I cried those same tears when I loved yo' Hoe Ass?
Well, don't that sound familiar.
I had a hoe Girlfriend before too.
Yeah, she's YOU.
Don't you remember?
The FootBall team? The tall light skinned dude? Or what about the dread head with the outstanding chest?
You were a hoe.
And you act like you didn't care that it hurt me.
Remember you get what you give so baby, you shouldn't have been a hoe.
You sit at the lunch table crying about how she/he did you bad. But don't you remember I use to be your punching bag?
Taking all the shit from you, then wiping all your tears away. Girl please.
Now your girlfriend is a hoe you want to cry.
Don't you realize I cried those same tears when I loved yo' Hoe Ass?
My Pen
Pen, I have a pen. I have a pen that speaks about everything.
My pen has a big mouth. My pen couldn't hold a secret if I paid it too.
My pen cries ink & writes truth. My pen cries as if its in front of God himself. My pen has more of a life than I've had in the last 4years.
My pen writes on my papers lines discovering its weaknesses & making its edges fold.
My pen is a freak. It writes my wildest fantasies making my girlfriends mind go to work. My pen writes to the God's.
Writing my insecurities, and making my dreams come to past. My pen is my best friend.
My anger oozes from the ball rolling across the Wexford Sheets.
I am my pens keeper. Keeping it safe, tucked away in my pocket being sure the bullies don't see it. My pen is my safety net.
I can depend on it to catch me if I fall in love a little too hard.
My pen is my best friend.
Pen, I have a pen in my pocket. I call it my Best friend.
My pen has a big mouth. My pen couldn't hold a secret if I paid it too.
My pen cries ink & writes truth. My pen cries as if its in front of God himself. My pen has more of a life than I've had in the last 4years.
My pen writes on my papers lines discovering its weaknesses & making its edges fold.
My pen is a freak. It writes my wildest fantasies making my girlfriends mind go to work. My pen writes to the God's.
Writing my insecurities, and making my dreams come to past. My pen is my best friend.
My anger oozes from the ball rolling across the Wexford Sheets.
I am my pens keeper. Keeping it safe, tucked away in my pocket being sure the bullies don't see it. My pen is my safety net.
I can depend on it to catch me if I fall in love a little too hard.
My pen is my best friend.
Pen, I have a pen in my pocket. I call it my Best friend.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Question my Faith in us.
I don't want to mess up your good day. But I'm starting to question my faith In us.
I don't know if you love me just yet, so I think I'd like to take it slow for now.
I'm not here to rain on your good day. I just wanted to tell you that I love you but its hurts. Yeah.
And I don't want to love you if it means I'll loose myself & my life, ooh noo.!
I'd rather stay single then to deal with you, your hurt & pain. You may not understand but you must know Its a girl thang.
Yeah, its a girl thang. I would expect you to not understand because your not made of sugar & spice & everything nice.
But heres the thing. Neither am I. I'm more like old spice slapped onto my daddy wrist. The night he went to visit my momma the night I was conceived.
I'm like failed Birth control pills & $200 for an abortion that my momma didn't get because my big brother needed some new kicks.
I'm like shots of wisky on my daddy's breath the night he left me & my momma on my granny's steps.
I'm like beaten & abducted women. So its easy for me to love you because my daddy never loved me. So i guess I'm just easy.
Easy not to fall in love with.
I didn't come to rain on your good day but I'm starting to question my faith in us.
I don't know if you love me just yet, so I think I'd like to take it slow for now.
I'm not here to rain on your good day. I just wanted to tell you that I love you but its hurts. Yeah.
And I don't want to love you if it means I'll loose myself & my life, ooh noo.!
I'd rather stay single then to deal with you, your hurt & pain. You may not understand but you must know Its a girl thang.
Yeah, its a girl thang. I would expect you to not understand because your not made of sugar & spice & everything nice.
But heres the thing. Neither am I. I'm more like old spice slapped onto my daddy wrist. The night he went to visit my momma the night I was conceived.
I'm like failed Birth control pills & $200 for an abortion that my momma didn't get because my big brother needed some new kicks.
I'm like shots of wisky on my daddy's breath the night he left me & my momma on my granny's steps.
I'm like beaten & abducted women. So its easy for me to love you because my daddy never loved me. So i guess I'm just easy.
Easy not to fall in love with.
I didn't come to rain on your good day but I'm starting to question my faith in us.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
ForEver & 7Days
This girl sends Shivers up my body. Causing my knees to be weak from the trust we've built. This girls the bomb. Shes the face I kiss good night every night in my dreams. She's spiritually mines for eternity. Nobody else is like her.
Before i met her I never knew someone could mentally send messages to my brain that made my heart smile.
I never knew holding onto someones chest could calm your heart beat but make mines speed, I never knew that Love was such a thing.
I didn't know that A kiss could cause a heart to explode into a million little "I'm sorry's" and Ten million "I never meant to do you wrong's."
And no one ever told me that your kisses hid a lie that your lips Wouldn't dare speak of. I didn't know you were capable of making me weak.
Hug me for 10seconds & I'll stay wrapped in you for hours, making you my safety vest protecting our hearts from fight over the one who'll end up with the broken heart.
I'll love you forever & 7days.
Before i met her I never knew someone could mentally send messages to my brain that made my heart smile.
I never knew holding onto someones chest could calm your heart beat but make mines speed, I never knew that Love was such a thing.
I didn't know that A kiss could cause a heart to explode into a million little "I'm sorry's" and Ten million "I never meant to do you wrong's."
And no one ever told me that your kisses hid a lie that your lips Wouldn't dare speak of. I didn't know you were capable of making me weak.
Hug me for 10seconds & I'll stay wrapped in you for hours, making you my safety vest protecting our hearts from fight over the one who'll end up with the broken heart.
I'll love you forever & 7days.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
If Time Turned back.
I want times to go back how they were when I was like 5-6 Years old. People wore over all's & busted kicks. & every one came to Granny's house for an important event.
I want times to go back where all the women worked spiked hair like fantasia & all the kids on the block played "Dirty Face Monster."
When us kids ran from the porch to the green light Pole being sure to not pass from in front of the house, around the light pole & back to the porch. All in the name of trying to not get tagged in a game of IT.
I wish time would go back to when I couldn't go to the corner store without my big cousin being with me. Those times let me know people actually cared about me even if it may have seemed like then they were being mean.
If time just turned back far enough to let the Ice Cream truck roll on the block one last time, I'd stand in the kitchen at 14 years old jumping up & down begging momma to go give me a dollar so i could get a vanilla cone with extra sprinkles even thought she's in the middle of cooking dinner.
If time passed back, I'd have another day of being God's BestFriend like I was when I was 7. Up on time every sunday morning, Dressed, sitting on the couch & holding my grandmothers bible in my lap as she walked into the living room asking "Brown, which earrings should I wear? The gold hoops if the silver ones?"
Me pointing up at the silver ones but her putting on the gold instead. I wish times were much simpler,
Like Where I didn't care if I had on jogging pants & a kool aid stain on my T-Shirt. I just wanted to go outside & play. Where Barney made me happy. And when my heart didn't get involved with a relationship.
And i wish I could still take a nap in the same bed with my male BestFriend without people thinking sex was involved.
I wish I was a little kid again. Maybe I'd be much happier.
I want times to go back where all the women worked spiked hair like fantasia & all the kids on the block played "Dirty Face Monster."
When us kids ran from the porch to the green light Pole being sure to not pass from in front of the house, around the light pole & back to the porch. All in the name of trying to not get tagged in a game of IT.
I wish time would go back to when I couldn't go to the corner store without my big cousin being with me. Those times let me know people actually cared about me even if it may have seemed like then they were being mean.
If time just turned back far enough to let the Ice Cream truck roll on the block one last time, I'd stand in the kitchen at 14 years old jumping up & down begging momma to go give me a dollar so i could get a vanilla cone with extra sprinkles even thought she's in the middle of cooking dinner.
If time passed back, I'd have another day of being God's BestFriend like I was when I was 7. Up on time every sunday morning, Dressed, sitting on the couch & holding my grandmothers bible in my lap as she walked into the living room asking "Brown, which earrings should I wear? The gold hoops if the silver ones?"
Me pointing up at the silver ones but her putting on the gold instead. I wish times were much simpler,
Like Where I didn't care if I had on jogging pants & a kool aid stain on my T-Shirt. I just wanted to go outside & play. Where Barney made me happy. And when my heart didn't get involved with a relationship.
And i wish I could still take a nap in the same bed with my male BestFriend without people thinking sex was involved.
I wish I was a little kid again. Maybe I'd be much happier.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Love in my Wind Pipe
Do u know how it feels to have love in your wind pipe? I swore Not to exhale it but at the rate its coming I cant do nothing but escape it!
If love was suppose to suffocate you its doing its job with me. Its killing me.
I guess this is what happens when I speak with sincerity & Love without insecurities.
Back up I got this. I'll fight this flu myself.
I ain't even gon lie I miss u. But u disced me & I wont chase u, True.!
I'd rather hold you, when its cold. But instead I watched you leave in the cold that night.
You said we could just be friends but where was the friendship when I was with u. I missed u when I was with you cause I always felt you were never their. I love you.
Do you know how It feels to have love in your wind pipes? I guess not, It didn't suffocate you.
If love was suppose to suffocate you its doing its job with me. Its killing me.
I guess this is what happens when I speak with sincerity & Love without insecurities.
Back up I got this. I'll fight this flu myself.
I ain't even gon lie I miss u. But u disced me & I wont chase u, True.!
I'd rather hold you, when its cold. But instead I watched you leave in the cold that night.
You said we could just be friends but where was the friendship when I was with u. I missed u when I was with you cause I always felt you were never their. I love you.
Do you know how It feels to have love in your wind pipes? I guess not, It didn't suffocate you.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Want you as mine.
Sometimes I want to kiss your nose & tell you i love you more than any moon that can ever be full.
Sometimes I can't imagine myself ever breathing again without you being their.
AND
Sometimes, I want you to know I never stopped caring about you even if you think I have.
AND
Sometimes I just want you to hold me.
You don't have to hold me like you love me, just hold me like your my friend.
Hold me as if my body's the road map to heaven.
And kiss me like my saliva gives you life.
I WANT YOU AS MINES.
I know I had the chance.
And we both messed up, but because God believe's in 2nd chances shouldn't we all?
I know when ever you think of the date 10.18.11, the numbers fall into the cracks of your smile,
Almost falling out of your mouth at the seams of your teeth.
I know you wish to speak of me but your afraid she will hear you.
BUT,
Don't be afraid, yell it out loud. Say my name. Tell the world that I'm your 10.18.11 and you LOVE ME.!
Because everyday i wake up & yell, I LOVE YOU.
Sometimes I can't imagine myself ever breathing again without you being their.
AND
Sometimes, I want you to know I never stopped caring about you even if you think I have.
AND
Sometimes I just want you to hold me.
You don't have to hold me like you love me, just hold me like your my friend.
Hold me as if my body's the road map to heaven.
And kiss me like my saliva gives you life.
I WANT YOU AS MINES.
I know I had the chance.
And we both messed up, but because God believe's in 2nd chances shouldn't we all?
I know when ever you think of the date 10.18.11, the numbers fall into the cracks of your smile,
Almost falling out of your mouth at the seams of your teeth.
I know you wish to speak of me but your afraid she will hear you.
BUT,
Don't be afraid, yell it out loud. Say my name. Tell the world that I'm your 10.18.11 and you LOVE ME.!
Because everyday i wake up & yell, I LOVE YOU.
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