Before I leave 2013 Dad you need to know......

Sometimes I'm afraid of what not having a male figure in my life can do to me. I'm afraid of what has happened and what could happen because I'm not protected.    
   
Sometimes I just want dad to be here or at least tell me the truth as to why he's not.
 
 My mother never kept you away, daddy you left. And I'm scared everyday because of it. Why can't you understand I'm your baby girl and I don't want you, I need you. Take away my scared.

      Warm me with your hugs, I sleep cold at night. Part of me is broken! I love you every day, even if you don't know it or know it and don't care.
   
       I cry every night, hell I'm crying now. Dad, where are you? My arms have never closed and never stopped accepting your pure or tainted heart.

      I just need you to do your part, or at the least pretend.

        I look just like you. Brown eyes and all. How could you walk away from a love so pure? So true? So real? Daddy I love you?

        I'm 15 sitting next to 7 year old Jazzmine. I asked her did she know why Daddy left??! Parts of you left when drugs became a factor and so did parts of me.

        Seven year old Jazz is nothing like me! Honestly she didn't even think about you! But now toys and TV can't hold my attention, I need my father to hold me.

       Tell me that my body is private, tell me to keep my pockets closed, head up and chest covered. Tell me I am Gods greatest treasure. Never let me doubt myself. I never let you doubt yourself. Through prayer I give you strength, do you stop to pray for me too?

         I don't want your money. I only want your love, any bit of love is perfect enough. How will I ever know how to love a man when you never showed me how to be loved by one?

        My sexuality could be an effect of my being lost. Daddy, come find me. Reassure me that I'm smart. Tell me about God and if you don't know him I suggest you read his book.

        I'm crying, come dry my tears. Dad I just need you. And even if you never see this, I forgive you.

Love like Summer

We loved in the darkness during the day time. We finished. Then pulled the shades back and let morning reveal her self to us. We walked on somebody's ceilings but, called them our floors, much like I walked into your heart and left it Beat less. 

      

 You no longer have a heart beat so you beat on other women out of aggression you have for me.  

You didn't know it but, you beat my soul every night you said you loved me but, revealed the breast of another woman to your eyes much like summer rolled over next to you in bed & kissed you good morning. 

       

   I never knew what parts of me you never loved so I gave you all of me. I never hesitated to fight my longings for success because of you 'cause undoubtably you came second to my God only & third to non. 

        

Non of those things we wrapped ourselves in exemplified what love we had for each other. We danced in dawns windows to a melody that only the best of perfectionist in the orchestra could play along to. We wrapped ourselves in should have's, could have's, would have's but, we never did.  

        

We raised our children off of government cheese and wale fare pay checks. They thought we had love like James and Florida Evans but, non of our kids won the title of the Love child; cause I never loved you. Well....I never confessed to it. 

         You spit on me with "I love you's" but, danced with mistresses around our sanctuary. I never could live with out it. You kissed her then kissed the private parts of me & I never could have confessed to it. 

      I shut up and shut down. Washed myself with rags and crystals and if ever asked I never confessed to it. I walked on your heart like floors cause you loved me like I was your option. I loved you like summer in the winter time. 

A Sacrifice For My Father

For one to be saved, one just be crucified. I guess I was the sacrifice you made for your crack pipe and dust. You never did appreciate me. 

Wishing on swishers for your love, I walked along bridges of suicide and rape because you never pointed me toward the stars.

They didn't ask, they tired to take it. And I didn't have a father to run to, to hide in his arms from the hurt. He was too bust shooting but, not for the stars. 

I am the product of a clean trap house. Jazz music based by the rhythm of abuse. 

You named me Jazzmine to neglect the fact that you never loved my mother, and only loved your drugs because they were the only thing that could wrap you up at night cause you never came home to me. 

Sometimes I wish I never knew you. I'd rather have a million questions than a million burn marks from each time you chose crack over me. 

I've written you 10 Father's Day letters and only mailed 6 to your New York Address. They've all come back with silent apologies that I've accepted into my soul. 

I know you're sorry and even if you're not I forgive you anyway. 

I know you're hurting. I'm hurting for you too.... Mother tells me I'm a lot like you. 

             I disagree....

I fight your demons off me everyday, dash them I'm make up and make them look more like me.

 The Jazz music you despised taught me how to beautify your addiction. Make it look like my home is clean and hide the pipes and the sprinkles of you, you left behind between the seams of my mattress and finger tips. 

You never told the truth, you only told me about the you that addict victimized. 

The truth behind the "Do you love me?" You always danced around the question but, never gave the truth. Always replying "You know how I feel about you!" 

Yeah but, do YOU know how I FEEL about YOU? Do your know that I hate you at times? I hate the fact that I spent so much time loving you in spirit I forgot what it's like to love you in person.

Do you know that I feel like you hate me too? If I already knew how you felt about me I'd be convined you hate me at night just as much as I love you. 

As long as you and God need me to be, I'll be the sacrifice to save my future daughter. I'll be willing to hate you in the dark but, love you to your face. Even if you don't appreciate me, I'll always appreciate the examples and lessons your life has taught me. 

  I'll always be the sacrifice for my father.