Wishing on swishers for your love, I walked along bridges of suicide and rape because you never pointed me toward the stars.
They didn't ask, they tired to take it. And I didn't have a father to run to, to hide in his arms from the hurt. He was too bust shooting but, not for the stars.
I am the product of a clean trap house. Jazz music based by the rhythm of abuse.
You named me Jazzmine to neglect the fact that you never loved my mother, and only loved your drugs because they were the only thing that could wrap you up at night cause you never came home to me.
Sometimes I wish I never knew you. I'd rather have a million questions than a million burn marks from each time you chose crack over me.
I've written you 10 Father's Day letters and only mailed 6 to your New York Address. They've all come back with silent apologies that I've accepted into my soul.
I know you're sorry and even if you're not I forgive you anyway.
I know you're hurting. I'm hurting for you too.... Mother tells me I'm a lot like you.
I disagree....
I fight your demons off me everyday, dash them I'm make up and make them look more like me.
The Jazz music you despised taught me how to beautify your addiction. Make it look like my home is clean and hide the pipes and the sprinkles of you, you left behind between the seams of my mattress and finger tips.
You never told the truth, you only told me about the you that addict victimized.
The truth behind the "Do you love me?" You always danced around the question but, never gave the truth. Always replying "You know how I feel about you!"
Yeah but, do YOU know how I FEEL about YOU? Do your know that I hate you at times? I hate the fact that I spent so much time loving you in spirit I forgot what it's like to love you in person.
Do you know that I feel like you hate me too? If I already knew how you felt about me I'd be convined you hate me at night just as much as I love you.
As long as you and God need me to be, I'll be the sacrifice to save my future daughter. I'll be willing to hate you in the dark but, love you to your face. Even if you don't appreciate me, I'll always appreciate the examples and lessons your life has taught me.
I'll always be the sacrifice for my father.
Many times I spoke the truth and it fell on deaf ears. I've given you phone numbers and email addresses of where to find me and day after day and night after night I've never heard a word from you.
ReplyDeleteI can only reach out.....but if you never take my hand then there's always going to be that distance between us.
I didn't choose to leave you. As soon as I could I came looking for you.....but remember....you didn't want me. If you only choose one side of the story, what do you expect me to do.
I love you more than life it's self.....but I'll be damned if I keep paying for mistakes that I paid the price for a long time ago. I've forgiven myself, now whether or not you forgive me is entirely up to you.
And I disagree....you look just like your mother (thank God), but you have my spirit and that way I use to have for carrying around pain and hurt. You also get from me that drive and compassion.
Me and you share the same mind and spirit whether you like it or not.
It's a shame that we can't share them together to make both of our lives a lot better, happier, complete.
Once again I'm reaching. Contact me here. pbrooks1665@gmail.com
Until then.