Dear Deandra,
Im sorry about the little blow up I had in the hall today. Honestly I truly am. :-) I had been having a rough day & you happen to get the feelings thrown onto you with out me thinking emotions built & rage formed. You of all people should know I hate fighting my friends & with you I know this is a friendship God built to last, & I refuse to allow one bad day to tear us apart.! U of all people also know I don't give a shit about shit so for me to be saying sorry is a big step into growing up. You helped to teach me that. I'm sorry, I deeply love you & no fake friend will do this. So Hun @ me at my twitter name so I know it's real.!
Friday, June 29, 2012
Loosing a friend really isn't all that bad.
I lost a friend. I lost a best friend. I lost a BestFriend that I thought was a good friend but was actually season friend. You know the type of friend that u thought u could trust, love and call your sister. I lost one of the few friends that called my mother, momma & I called hers mom. I hate that I lost her but I guess with growth comes change. She was the change I never wanted to see go, so I fought for us but God said no. To achieve greatness you must let go. So I did what God set out for me to do. In this friend I noticed a lot of imperfections so I loved every one of them. One, she don't think that she's beautiful & always needs a guy to validate her. Thats one reason y were no longer friends. She let a guy get into her head rather than her heart & change her thinking & not her passion to show integrity. Once a A&B student now she's lower than my height.! She uses her big words to seem smart & try's to make others look dumb when she's the ultimate dummy. She's the dummy that threw away a good friend like I was the last weeks paper & she didn't care to read & understand me. So with me being the person that gives a shit about nothing, I figured if she could let a guy redefine what our "Friendship" was then we were never really friends to start with.! And in this situation she never got to realize that karma's a bitch because she was to busy being a dummy that what i suppose to have did to her was the same she did to another girl. The only difference is the other girl didn't even want to bother with another simple bitch with a bad attitude. Yes I realize I lost what I suspected to be a bestFriend, worse I lost the one person I Figured I could run to when my soul had gotten shot by the bullits of the enemy. But never would I guess she was the enemy.
I thought I loved this girl...
I thought I loved.
I thought I loved this girl.
I thought I loved this girl that I don't even really like anymore.
This girl was, older.
This girl was, a lot older than me.
In fact she is so much older that starting on a certain day, we can't even talk anymore.
This girl gave me all the love I thought I wanted from someone, but eventually I couldn't handle it.
See, the thing is because she's so much older, she's ready for sex, & I'm not. See I'm a little young, maybe a little bit wild, & I do like to be free.
But I'm still a child, & she's practically an adult now & it scares me to know that we have to stop talking.
I built this wall up knowing that this day would come,
I built this wall to protect myself from the emotional damage our separation would cause.
I focused on the reasons why I shouldn't love her, instead of the reasons why I should love her.
I told myself that it's because she's not all the attractive.
But I know that's not true because those big brown eyes tell a story that not many people can see.
Then I tried convincing myself that it was because she was too much of a rough neck, which I didn't really admire to begin with but I learned to deal with it.
I thought I built this wall to prevent myself from enduring a terrible heart break.
But I actually built this wall because I had never really got over my first "mate" my first kiss, my first girlfriend, & u know I could never really get over her because she was my first love.
It breaks my heart to know that there is someone that loves me deeply but I cant be in love with them back because I'm in love with someone else, that I'm not to sure even loves me back.!
I thought I loved this girl.
I thought I loved this girl that I don't even really like anymore.
This girl was, older.
This girl was, a lot older than me.
In fact she is so much older that starting on a certain day, we can't even talk anymore.
This girl gave me all the love I thought I wanted from someone, but eventually I couldn't handle it.
See, the thing is because she's so much older, she's ready for sex, & I'm not. See I'm a little young, maybe a little bit wild, & I do like to be free.
But I'm still a child, & she's practically an adult now & it scares me to know that we have to stop talking.
I built this wall up knowing that this day would come,
I built this wall to protect myself from the emotional damage our separation would cause.
I focused on the reasons why I shouldn't love her, instead of the reasons why I should love her.
I told myself that it's because she's not all the attractive.
But I know that's not true because those big brown eyes tell a story that not many people can see.
Then I tried convincing myself that it was because she was too much of a rough neck, which I didn't really admire to begin with but I learned to deal with it.
I thought I built this wall to prevent myself from enduring a terrible heart break.
But I actually built this wall because I had never really got over my first "mate" my first kiss, my first girlfriend, & u know I could never really get over her because she was my first love.
It breaks my heart to know that there is someone that loves me deeply but I cant be in love with them back because I'm in love with someone else, that I'm not to sure even loves me back.!
Not In my vocabulary.!!!
For me failing is not in my vocab. But for others it's the only source of feeling like something even if it's not a good feeling. But to see some people fail & get back up & kick that task in the ass is the most thing to see because I get a chance to see how blessed I am & see how Well GOD WORKS.!!
Why can't you love me?
April25, 1998,
The day I was born.
This day was suppose to be one of the best days of my parents life, but instead they treated it like a death sentence.
Holding your baby girl for the first time is suppose to be a unforgettable experience, but for them it didn't happen this way.
Ever since I can remember all I ever asked Santa for was for my parents to love me.
I asked him to give me them under a Christmas tree waiting to hold, mold & love me into a better women than I was turning out to be. With the lack of affection I was starting to fail my classes, kick peoples asses, & even started to party a little. I did this in attempts to gain attention & all I got was a slit wrist burned with my own tears. Mommy, can't you see that I'm crying for your hug, or even for you to just say you love me even if it's hard for you to mean it.
Why didn't you teach me to be a lady?
I can't seem to respect you for the simple fact that where you lacked as mother my teacher had to step up & fill that hole you left when you cursed my soul the day I told you that I'm gay.
I don't want to hate you because even thought you may not love me, I love you for being everything in a mother I never want to be when I have children. You will be the example of why I hold my children at night letting them know it's ok to cry because mommy will never let you go.
And Daddy, where did you go?
All of my teen years we only spoke of Facebook, & most of the time the words weren't nice.
I remember the day I got in trouble for fighting in school & you called the house from Jail to tell me I was wrong. Ever since that day I could never take you seriously because you were yelling at me & your doing time for attempted murder.
Ask me again why the hell am I so crazy.
If you were a real man my uncle wouldn't have to teach me right from wrong & kick ass when ever some ones done me wrong.
I shouldn't even call you daddy because any boy can make babies & be called father. But it takes a man to be my daddy.
Mom, dad, look at me! Can't you see that in hurt? Can't you see that with these slashes on my arm I was on the verge of suicide?
Why can't you love me?
The day I was born.
This day was suppose to be one of the best days of my parents life, but instead they treated it like a death sentence.
Holding your baby girl for the first time is suppose to be a unforgettable experience, but for them it didn't happen this way.
Ever since I can remember all I ever asked Santa for was for my parents to love me.
I asked him to give me them under a Christmas tree waiting to hold, mold & love me into a better women than I was turning out to be. With the lack of affection I was starting to fail my classes, kick peoples asses, & even started to party a little. I did this in attempts to gain attention & all I got was a slit wrist burned with my own tears. Mommy, can't you see that I'm crying for your hug, or even for you to just say you love me even if it's hard for you to mean it.
Why didn't you teach me to be a lady?
I can't seem to respect you for the simple fact that where you lacked as mother my teacher had to step up & fill that hole you left when you cursed my soul the day I told you that I'm gay.
I don't want to hate you because even thought you may not love me, I love you for being everything in a mother I never want to be when I have children. You will be the example of why I hold my children at night letting them know it's ok to cry because mommy will never let you go.
And Daddy, where did you go?
All of my teen years we only spoke of Facebook, & most of the time the words weren't nice.
I remember the day I got in trouble for fighting in school & you called the house from Jail to tell me I was wrong. Ever since that day I could never take you seriously because you were yelling at me & your doing time for attempted murder.
Ask me again why the hell am I so crazy.
If you were a real man my uncle wouldn't have to teach me right from wrong & kick ass when ever some ones done me wrong.
I shouldn't even call you daddy because any boy can make babies & be called father. But it takes a man to be my daddy.
Mom, dad, look at me! Can't you see that in hurt? Can't you see that with these slashes on my arm I was on the verge of suicide?
Why can't you love me?
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