Remember Happy?

I remember the days when a bare face of a woman, gym shoes & a sweater was sexy.

I remember when I didn't have to re-identify myself to catch someones attention.

I remember when I was myself.

I was a child who always needed her mother and secretly prayed to see my father.

My auntie blames the absence of my father for the presence of my homosexuality.

Is it true?

Like any woman my eyes wonder, but my soul never feels safe wrapped in any mans arms other than God.

Could my existence be a phase?

Or has my life just been a dream?

God, do you think that anyone hears my dead silent screams?

Have you ever not wanted to wake up in the middle of the night to ease my trembling heart?

I remember when things were simple.

I played house with my best friend Josh & sleeping together really meant sleep.

He on one end of the couch & I on the other.

Our souls were innocent.

And our jokes made us laugh like we were the funniest comedians on earth.

I remember the day I came out to my friends.

Facebook camped out on my official "I'm gay" status & the showers of humanity started.

I remember the night I cried & begged God for his forgiveness.

I even apologized for being gay & asked if I could change.

But, I see he hasn't changed me yet so I see I'm living proof of God loving gay just as much as much as he love straight.

I remember I was told by an anonymous soul that because I found home in the arms of a woman, I would burn at the gates of hell.

For a minute I was convinced, but I had to empty myself of me to be invisible.

I had to show God my soul, I more than anything want it to be his.

I remember the days I would go to church.

I remember when things would be easy.

I remember when I didn't give up so much & I didn't cry everyday.

I remember when women were just pretty.

And I could say it without being given the Queer eye.

I remember when the definition of happy to me was a blue sky.

I just want to be happy again.