6th Love

To fall in love with you silently is to love you forever. The quietest love hurts the hardest when it breaks between cheek and teeth. You have to suffer in silence. 

      I can't pretend like I'm happy that you two are together. But I won't rain on your parade because you always shined light upon mine. I just have to figure out a way to not suffocate my heart, get over it or wait until you come around. 

     I've planned out our wedding six times since the sixth grade when we met. My life was complete when you hugged my silhouette in the lunch line and right then I some how saw the finish line from your shoulder. 

      And in one message... 

All of that was over... For now.

      You're someone who's real and worth all of my time. Even when time runs out I'll still be waiting. 

    Maybe I'm a little too late. Or you're just not ready. Falling in love with your BestFriend is always complicated. The rhythm in our laughs change, the tightness in your hug lost grip around my waist, I even felt your heart beat die out a little bit when it recognized mine. 

       Not one of the girls you've been with can say you've prayed with them. Talked about God and even sang with them. Your thoughts harmonized before our vocal cords could. 

      You're the only one who understood my mood swings with just a head nod and some dap, we were homies first. 

        When I gave up on boys, you didn't give up on me. You focused on God so much that the only time you looked up from your bible was to Greet me at the door. 

        You called me Princess before I even saw that you're my Prince Charming. 

      You took the long way home so I wouldn't be alone. Long nights on the train wrapped me in your voice and made me whole. You're like my personal protector. 

           Like God you walked beside me to shield me from all pain. You praised the grown I walked on, and I'm just now realizing, well I'm just now admitting that I love you back two fold. Too old to be playing games, this love makes me full like moons. 

        I've never been in insane, but I'm crazy over you. I'd fight the rapture of the earth over you. Living in the city we can't see many stars but you still shine brighter than the whole constellation. 

     Too bad I can't tell anyone about you. You're not a secrete it's just nobody's business. No one needs to know I love you from dawn to dusk then again at dawn. These butterflies are like born again sinners who didn't learn their lesson the first time. I'd love you in part, but that isn't fair because you love all of me.

      You love me down to my ankle socks and sins. If we never love each other as husband and wife can we at least stay Best Friends?

Beautiful Beast

I look at you and imagine a beast. But I am the beautiful. The red in your corvette which is really a bus card I gave to you. 

   

  You stumbled on my door step at 1A.M and expected me to mend you back to health. Heart all flustered I did it anyway. Poured  alcohol on your open wombs and apologized that my trying to heal you was so painful. Loving and losing you was very painful. 

     

  All you did was make me cry. Though hurt never triggered those tears, I cried out your name in sexual satisfaction followed up with a "Yes! God! Fuck!"  

    

    You made love to me. And I never could have lived knowing that I didn't share with you all of me, didn't know what you didn't love on me nor did I care. With out a care I gave you all of me. 

       

So beast, why'd the rhythm in your love change? On cold afternoons you warmed your hands in my back pockets, pressed against stone walls. To the world our hugs appeared innocent. 

   

   And in a sense I believed it. Stepped back when you asked me to, stepped up when you were in danger beast, I protected you from cowards, liars and anger. Didn't care if you didn't feel loved or even liked by many just needed you to know that I loved you at first sight and grew to like your laughter many times.  

  

       You may not be a beauty but your love is a beast. Leave the beauty up to me. Your fingers are much too thick to fit a wedding ring but just right to fit the walls of me. This ain't holy or lie enough to be pulp fiction. 

  

    Just fiction enough to believe. I believed in this love. Looks like looks can be deceiving, damn right you deceived me. You look like a beast so I never suspected your loving be good. I guess that's what I get for loving my hood. 

   

    True love in the hood is under hoodies and train tracks. Braces and slurred speech, even love is hidden in between thrones on roses and finger tips, beauty's kiss and the beast's transformation. 

     

    I'm afraid to kiss you. I'm not sure if you'll turn into my princess or my Prince Charming. All I know is, someone made love to me with the lights out so, I'm not sure which beast is you, show yourself. 

   

      Or forever hold your peace. I'll be that missing punctuation when you need me to finish your sentences at 1 A.M when you're much too broken like dialect falling off of my lips from under developed countries. I gave birth to your heart prematurely. 

    

   They say age doesn't determine maturity.. I'm starting to believe them. Ex lover, your older and never can seem to pick up your head fast enough to notice me in the hallway but, always upset when I play you to the side.

   You tell them we never really dated as if almost a year was nothing, I cried for you. Fought off all those hoes and haters for you, I even risked hell for you. 

 

   But, to them WE never existed. It hurts that you are the beast of all love but, is afraid to be judged because you dated a "Kid." You are the only beast, beauty ever got ahold to. Beast I still love you. Love you like every princess loved in anything Disney. Sadly our love isn't Rated G enough to be shown on Disney. I'm not sure which part they're afraid of. If it's the questionable gay, fat, sex or the ugly.

   

   I'm not sure if this is love or shame but, guilt drips from it like juices in between a woman. The rhythm in your love stopped and soon did my waterfall. I refuse to make the beast in you look good with my beautiful. I am the beautiful in your beast.

 Love makes everyone die peaceful. 

Bitter Berries

The blacker the berry the sweeter the juice.
So I guess I'm bitter sweet.

Visually, I ain't all that "Black" but
Please believe I got black all up in me.

Just because my skin isn't as rich as black
berries doesn't mean it's poor.

Just because I'm light skinned doesn't mean
I clam only European. My ancestors are just
as diverse as this country.

Where light skins and dark skins are more
War than civil. We're fighting each other
 over rights that have been stolen by
people who some we claim to be and some
Of us wish to be.

They stole the freedom to think it seems like.

So many black girls wish they were white girls....
And I'll never understand.

The only room they made for us in their red,
White, and blue are the blood and the Cripps.

             Black blood Red.
             Black cripp Blue.
     We kill each other and white just watch.

Why do we think
 we're less beautiful
 the way we are?

Dark skin, light skin, to them
we're all black skin.
Black skin, black face, to them
 we're wearing black face.

If freedom was abolished today and slavery
Adopted like the mixed kid with curly hair,
We'd all cupid shuffle back into the
roller decks of slave names.

They'd whip their names out across our backs,
Make us scream out master. We claim we're the
Masters of our own fate but, who is God?

You know, there was a time we all held hands
 and prayed to him.
And the only book we had was the bible.

Your skin being light don't make you white.
Your skin being dark don't make you ugly.

Stop pulling and tugging at yourself, God made
Plans for that skin.

Nothing about your berries are rotten, every
Sprinkled speck of you is sweet like black berries.
We come in all shades.

Just because your TV said one skin was prettiest
 Does not make is fact!
Non of what you girls argue about has been
Proven by science or God so
you idolize yourselves.

Talk no more so very proud, let not arrogance
Come from your mouth; for the Lord is a God
Of knowledge, and by him actions will be weighed.
                                   1 Samuel 2:3

Never be too proud. Yeah, you may be light
But not light enough to not be knocked off your
Cloud.

Please think twice before you spit poison
From your light black lips onto another
Girl with dark black lips.

It's just as painful as when write people spit onto us.
Not every black berry is sweet.

And just because we're light don't assume life
Is easy. We're still black. Had to step our black
Feet in the same back doors as you.

Don't assume that lighter is white.
Light is bitter sweet for me.
What are your berries like?

Before I leave 2013 Dad you need to know......

Sometimes I'm afraid of what not having a male figure in my life can do to me. I'm afraid of what has happened and what could happen because I'm not protected.    
   
Sometimes I just want dad to be here or at least tell me the truth as to why he's not.
 
 My mother never kept you away, daddy you left. And I'm scared everyday because of it. Why can't you understand I'm your baby girl and I don't want you, I need you. Take away my scared.

      Warm me with your hugs, I sleep cold at night. Part of me is broken! I love you every day, even if you don't know it or know it and don't care.
   
       I cry every night, hell I'm crying now. Dad, where are you? My arms have never closed and never stopped accepting your pure or tainted heart.

      I just need you to do your part, or at the least pretend.

        I look just like you. Brown eyes and all. How could you walk away from a love so pure? So true? So real? Daddy I love you?

        I'm 15 sitting next to 7 year old Jazzmine. I asked her did she know why Daddy left??! Parts of you left when drugs became a factor and so did parts of me.

        Seven year old Jazz is nothing like me! Honestly she didn't even think about you! But now toys and TV can't hold my attention, I need my father to hold me.

       Tell me that my body is private, tell me to keep my pockets closed, head up and chest covered. Tell me I am Gods greatest treasure. Never let me doubt myself. I never let you doubt yourself. Through prayer I give you strength, do you stop to pray for me too?

         I don't want your money. I only want your love, any bit of love is perfect enough. How will I ever know how to love a man when you never showed me how to be loved by one?

        My sexuality could be an effect of my being lost. Daddy, come find me. Reassure me that I'm smart. Tell me about God and if you don't know him I suggest you read his book.

        I'm crying, come dry my tears. Dad I just need you. And even if you never see this, I forgive you.

Love like Summer

We loved in the darkness during the day time. We finished. Then pulled the shades back and let morning reveal her self to us. We walked on somebody's ceilings but, called them our floors, much like I walked into your heart and left it Beat less. 

      

 You no longer have a heart beat so you beat on other women out of aggression you have for me.  

You didn't know it but, you beat my soul every night you said you loved me but, revealed the breast of another woman to your eyes much like summer rolled over next to you in bed & kissed you good morning. 

       

   I never knew what parts of me you never loved so I gave you all of me. I never hesitated to fight my longings for success because of you 'cause undoubtably you came second to my God only & third to non. 

        

Non of those things we wrapped ourselves in exemplified what love we had for each other. We danced in dawns windows to a melody that only the best of perfectionist in the orchestra could play along to. We wrapped ourselves in should have's, could have's, would have's but, we never did.  

        

We raised our children off of government cheese and wale fare pay checks. They thought we had love like James and Florida Evans but, non of our kids won the title of the Love child; cause I never loved you. Well....I never confessed to it. 

         You spit on me with "I love you's" but, danced with mistresses around our sanctuary. I never could live with out it. You kissed her then kissed the private parts of me & I never could have confessed to it. 

      I shut up and shut down. Washed myself with rags and crystals and if ever asked I never confessed to it. I walked on your heart like floors cause you loved me like I was your option. I loved you like summer in the winter time. 

A Sacrifice For My Father

For one to be saved, one just be crucified. I guess I was the sacrifice you made for your crack pipe and dust. You never did appreciate me. 

Wishing on swishers for your love, I walked along bridges of suicide and rape because you never pointed me toward the stars.

They didn't ask, they tired to take it. And I didn't have a father to run to, to hide in his arms from the hurt. He was too bust shooting but, not for the stars. 

I am the product of a clean trap house. Jazz music based by the rhythm of abuse. 

You named me Jazzmine to neglect the fact that you never loved my mother, and only loved your drugs because they were the only thing that could wrap you up at night cause you never came home to me. 

Sometimes I wish I never knew you. I'd rather have a million questions than a million burn marks from each time you chose crack over me. 

I've written you 10 Father's Day letters and only mailed 6 to your New York Address. They've all come back with silent apologies that I've accepted into my soul. 

I know you're sorry and even if you're not I forgive you anyway. 

I know you're hurting. I'm hurting for you too.... Mother tells me I'm a lot like you. 

             I disagree....

I fight your demons off me everyday, dash them I'm make up and make them look more like me.

 The Jazz music you despised taught me how to beautify your addiction. Make it look like my home is clean and hide the pipes and the sprinkles of you, you left behind between the seams of my mattress and finger tips. 

You never told the truth, you only told me about the you that addict victimized. 

The truth behind the "Do you love me?" You always danced around the question but, never gave the truth. Always replying "You know how I feel about you!" 

Yeah but, do YOU know how I FEEL about YOU? Do your know that I hate you at times? I hate the fact that I spent so much time loving you in spirit I forgot what it's like to love you in person.

Do you know that I feel like you hate me too? If I already knew how you felt about me I'd be convined you hate me at night just as much as I love you. 

As long as you and God need me to be, I'll be the sacrifice to save my future daughter. I'll be willing to hate you in the dark but, love you to your face. Even if you don't appreciate me, I'll always appreciate the examples and lessons your life has taught me. 

  I'll always be the sacrifice for my father.

Transition

Everyone's obsessed with being Presses, permed, curled, gelled down & sexy. But no one really know's what it's like to be pretty... Better yet, no one even wants to know what it's like to be beautiful. 

We've all found these cat calls and whispers to be pretty to our ears but, we have yet to find a cup of confidence suitable for our smiles. 

Smiles that have been tainted by our sisters viscous words. Why does what team we stand on define our social guidelines? Light skinned, dark skinned, that shit don't matter. At the end we all African. 

The dust from our Great Grandmothers slave shipped & Raped finger tips is the ash between our brown toes. But we're too dumb to love every crevice of our parts. 

And you're too dumb too see that my natural is my beauty, I know you aren't aware but, there's a such thing as natural beauty. You're much too busy being pressed, permed curled & gelled down into sexy to notice my transformation from my butterfly to beautiful. 

I pray, that my daughters never have the heart of an evil like yours. It doesn't matter if their heads full of cotton like hair doesn't curl like the other yellow, brown girls. I'll still let them know there's a beautiful chance of their bellies dancing over their belt loops. 

Even if their mirrors looks unfamiliar to them, I'll let them know; they are a beauty not to be ashamed of. A beauty not to be minimized into just sexy. They are a beauty from a long line of brown, yellow, brown, brown, and some brown real brown girls who are more than Pressed, permed, curled & gelled down into sexy. 

We're a line of big hips & even bigger hearts. Open minds & open books. We're a line of blood that's traveled the underground rail road to God. So, when you poke fun at my fro, take a good look because this fro knows what a Shame it is to have been you once. 

I didn't know the beauty of being myself until I got a grip onto me... I guess you have to get a grip onto you too. But until then, find the beauty in being pressed, permed, curled & gelled down into sexy. The world is a lot more than just Sexy.