I thought I loved this girl...

I thought I loved.
I thought I loved this girl.
I thought I loved this girl that I don't even really like anymore.
This girl was, older.
This girl was, a lot older than me.
In fact she is so much older that starting on a certain day, we can't even talk anymore.
This girl gave me all the love I thought I wanted from someone, but eventually I couldn't handle it.
See, the thing is because she's so much older, she's ready for sex, & I'm not. See I'm a little young, maybe a little bit wild, & I do like to be free.
But I'm still a child, & she's practically an adult now & it scares me to know that we have to stop talking.
I built this wall up knowing that this day would come,
I built this wall to protect myself from the emotional damage our separation would cause.
I focused on the reasons why I shouldn't love her, instead of the reasons why I should love her.
I told myself that it's because she's not all the attractive.
But I know that's not true because those big brown eyes tell a story that not many people can see.
Then I tried convincing myself that it was because she was too much of a rough neck, which I didn't really admire to begin with but I learned to deal with it.
I thought I built this wall to prevent myself from enduring a terrible heart break.
But I actually built this wall because I had never really got over my first "mate" my first kiss, my first girlfriend, & u know I could never really get over her because she was my first love.
It breaks my heart to know that there is someone that loves me deeply but I cant be in love with them back because I'm in love with someone else, that I'm not to sure even loves me back.!

Not In my vocabulary.!!!

For me failing is not in my vocab. But for others it's the only source of feeling like something even if it's not a good feeling. But to see some people fail & get back up & kick that task in the ass is the most thing to see because I get a chance to see how blessed I am & see how Well GOD WORKS.!!

Why can't you love me?

April25, 1998,
The day I was born.
This day was suppose to be one of the best days of my parents life, but instead they treated it like a death sentence.
Holding your baby girl for the first time is suppose to be a unforgettable experience, but for them it didn't happen this way.
Ever since I can remember all I ever asked Santa for was for my parents to love me.
I asked him to give me them under a Christmas tree waiting to hold, mold & love me into a better women than I was turning out to be. With the lack of affection I was starting to fail my classes, kick peoples asses, & even started to party a little. I did this in attempts to gain attention & all I got was a slit wrist burned with my own tears. Mommy, can't you see that I'm crying for your hug, or even for you to just say you love me even if it's hard for you to mean it.
Why didn't you teach me to be a lady?
I can't seem to respect you for the simple fact that where you lacked as mother my teacher had to step up & fill that hole you left when you cursed my soul the day I told you that I'm gay.
I don't want to hate you because even thought you may not love me, I love you for being everything in a mother I never want to be when I have children. You will be the example of why I hold my children at night letting them know it's ok to cry because mommy will never let you go.
And Daddy, where did you go?
All of my teen years we only spoke of Facebook, & most of the time the words weren't nice.
I remember the day I got in trouble for fighting in school & you called the house from Jail to tell me I was wrong. Ever since that day I could never take you seriously because you were yelling at me & your doing time for attempted murder.
Ask me again why the hell am I so crazy.
If you were a real man my uncle wouldn't have to teach me right from wrong & kick ass when ever some ones done me wrong.
I shouldn't even call you daddy because any boy can make babies & be called father. But it takes a man to be my daddy.

Mom, dad, look at me! Can't you see that in hurt? Can't you see that with these slashes on my arm I was on the verge of suicide?
Why can't you love me?

Who I am. (Girl Talk assignment.)

I'm black & white, I'm a tad short too!
I don't know my insides to well, but I know I'm different.! I was once a person who didn't care about anything but today I'm a girl Thats slightly confused & unsure.! I know I wanna be a women but for now I'll stay a child.!! I'm a person that don't care what people call me but I know it's not what they say because my grandmother always told me its all about what I answer to
I know who the true me is.!!

Your secret crush.

Most days I catch myself staring at u in Math class.
And on all of these days I'm thinking of new ways to love you so deeply even God can feel it.

I hate those rainy days.
When the window shades are drawn
and the room's dark.

When I look at your skin, on your cheek
It looks like your crying because the rain shows
So clear on the
Window that it shows on
Your face too.!

I know how you feel
At night.

You hold yourself, crying, gripping your favorite pillow because you love
Someone you THINK
You can't have.

I know how you feel at night
Because I feel the same way too.

I don't know if
Its me you think you
Can't have but someday I want
You to take me away.!

Take me off into your world.
I wanna fly on your magic carpet.

I want us to
Be like Jasmine & Aladdin
In that Disney movie.!

But in our case it
Will be, Jasmine & Jazzmine
Flying off on a magic
Carpet into your world. I don't
Care what your outsides look like as
Long as your insides aren't rotten.

Your standing in this very room.

When I look left then look right
I just know I'll see you,

Because your always on the right side of
My heart.

Sorry if I give
You goose bumps as
I read this & maybe tomorrow I'll be
Sorry I ever read this.

But as of now I don't care.!!!

I just wanna clasp your
Face between my 2 palms
And hold u like no one
Ever held me.

I wanna make u my business

So when people tell me that anything
Involving you is non of by business
I can say,
I love u & your all the business
I need.

So there, your my business.

Im your secret crush & I need you.!!

When I was 13

When I was 13,
I learned how to be myself.
I learned how not fitting in was ok.
And that it was ok to be sad sometime, but in order to see some sunshine, I must walk in the rain.

When I was 13,
I formed laugh lines so thick in my face you could sworn I had seen years of happiness and not one day of pain.

At age 13, I learned what
my buttons were,
and how not to allow people to push them.

In this day in age when I was 13, most girls wanted to give there virginity to the "Lil Waka Flaka" down the street, but no, not me!

I held onto mines like it was Gods hand on judgement day, that's because I was scared.

I wasn't afraid of the popping of my cherry or the baby some girls walk around with like it's ok.

I was afraid I would be less of a women when the time came for me to actually be a women.

I wanted to be pure.!

When I was 13,
I was in the 8th grade and I rolled out the closet too.

A famous girl once said "closets are for clothes, not for people, and last time I checked I wasn't hanging from a hanger fresh from the dry cleaners, so there for yes, I'm gay.!"

Ask me who that famous girl is and I'll tell you me.

Gander is a universe and
We are all stars,
which means I'm a celebrity to the
Galaxy of crazy.

When I was 13, I became
Brave, I loved for the very first time, and kissed in that age too.

I got to know myself. Even though myself got crushed by what
She thought was love but was
Actually a 1,000 tone building of emotions

Built up in me and came crashing down like building in 911.

At age 13,
I was silly, smart, lovable, sad, mad, and most important, I stayed a child.!

Stop It.!!!

STOP laughing at him.
So what he dances & man be a little gay,
Don’t you remember you’re not always straight?
Or did you forget April 15
you were my first kiss.

But never would I have allowed you to kiss me softly
forcing the hairs on the back of my neck to curl up,
If I had known you were so mean. !

STOP laughing at him.
So what he enjoys the ballet & his body doesn’t look like a walking obituary
Even though he’s fast approaching the mean
Age of 15.

God is like his satellite
& He’s his own car,
So his confidence is the steering wheel
Your constantly turning left when the arrows of the road
Clearly says turn right.

Your ignorance had landed him in a ditch
Of self confidence that’s gushing out
Of his busted heart you drove your stupidity through.
Looking at it fall, his heart is now hallow.
No heartbeat, you can hear the drops crashing to the ground
& I bet you don’t feel an inch of shame. ! ! !

Or have you forgotten about
Stupid’s little sister Karma?
She’ll be back to serve you up an order of your scrambled guts
She had freshly taken out last week
& Then she’ll leave your pride
a little runny.

I hope you enjoy the fool
You’ve made of yourself cause
Karma’s about to eat you alive, kind of how you did that boy
You’d call “Faggot,”
That enjoyed the ballet,
& May have been a little gay. !

My Grandma always says
You reap what you sow. So get ready, Granny’s
Never wrong...